Monday, June 27, 2011
His Beating Heart...
My heart aches to hear the beating of his heart once more. That's what I thought. Sometimes I might purposfully drive on the bumpy strips on the freeway and imagine hearing the beating of a strong heart pumping life through the veins of an otherwise unviable being. Just one more time. I'd even take the smell of the ultrasound gel once more just to hear it. Last night while packing, I accidentally saw it. It was an unmarked DVD so we put it in the DVD player to see what it was. His beating heart. A message from the dead: I was once here. Do you remember? Oh son, how could I ever forget? I felt as though my happiness of the day had just crashed in on me. I could no longer be productive with packing and organizing. It ended there. It was as though a tiny hand had reached through the screen and touched my heart once more. My cracked vase started leaking water. Apparently all the glue in the world can't stop the occasional leak. I miss my baby boy. I miss his beating heart. I miss it lulling me to sleep in the hospital. I must pick up the pieces of my broken vessel and glue them all back together. Piece by piece, day by day... It gets better. I feel as though I get stronger. There are just the occasional moments in life when it hits me. Goodnight baby. Sleep peacefully.
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2 comments:
It still hits me like that too, although I had much less time than you did with my baby boy. I was just thinking that it was about a year ago now that I heard his heartbeat for the first and last time. It does get better...but even after almost a year for both of us...it never goes away and in a way, I hope it never does. Our babies should never be forgotten. They are way too loved for that. Hugs to you, Ashley.
Bless your heart Ash. You are amazing! Sure love ya!!
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