Dear Scarlet -- 9 months

Dear Scarlet,

I find myself speechless today, your 9-month birthday. I am still amazed that you are my beautiful child. I love waking up to your happy sounds that you make.

This month hasn't really brought much change. You are loving the concept of sitting up on your own. You think it is nearly the greatest thing. Your grandmother asked why you had a bruise on your head the other day and I realized it was from when you tipped over and bonked your head on the bundt pan. Your grandmother thought that was odd that you would be playing with a bundt pan, but you love it! You love to bang your wooden blocks on it and makes lots of noise.

We took you to the doctor the other day and you weigh 14 pounds 5 ounces. You're 25-1/4 inches long! Almost 9 inches longer than your birth length. Holy guacamole! You are still wearing 3-month clothes and you'll also wear 6-month clothes on occasion. Most of your 6-month clothes are summery and of course here in Utah, even in May, the weather gets confused and it doesn't quite know if it wants to be 80 degrees or 40, so most of the time it's 40 and you're stuck wearing your small 3-month winter clothes.

Kingston got his headstone last week and it is so wonderful to have it. I love that we finally have his resting place marked so we can always find him when we go visit (not that it was hard before, but this just feels official).

We're still preparing to move to California in August. I can't believe we're moving! I think it will be good for our little family, but I think it's going to be a challenge, one I am up to facing. I will have you by my side the whole time. We're best friends.

I love watching you grow and learn new things. You are soaking up the world around you. When you grow up, will you still let me sneak in your room and admire you while you sleep?

Love you always,

Mom

A Horrible Situation Made Beautiful...

I talked previously of the women from Angel Watch. They so selflessly gave up their time to comfort me before, during and after Kingston passed away. The Daily Herald has written an article in today's paper about Angel Watch. Please take the time to read and if you are willing and able, feel free to give back.

I may or may not be mentioned in the article. And also, they may have mentioned my age. Ugh. I may have been interviewed this last week for this article and I feel it is very well written. I'm honored that I was chosen to be a part of such a wonderful program. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have shared my story.

Thank you so much Angel Watch. Heather (my angel), you are everything I hope to be. You are amazing! I will never be able to thank you enough for what you did for us.

My First Mother's Day

Here we are. My very first mother's day. Yes, I guess you could say that last year I was technically a mother, but the minis were still growing. Do you remember? I surely do. We had just had our gender ultrasound and found out there was a "complication" with our son (Boy Baby, Baby A). I remember trying to brush it off and play it cool around our families, but deep down in my heart, I knew what my son had... I knew he wasn't going to live. I remember my heart just aching. It was painful. I didn't want to eat or sleep. However, my body thought differently, or maybe it was the minis telling me otherwise. In the back of my mind, I had to tell myself things were not really as bad as I thought. I was just thinking the worst, but no way was it possible that our son could die. Could that really happen? No way. I thought for a moment he could be fixable, that his diagnosis really wouldn't be "incompatible with life."

You never want to give up on the hopes and dreams you have for your unborn child. Afterall, he was a boy. He was supposed to be like his daddy, extremely talented in all aspects of life (school, sports, music). But alas, it was not meant to be. I was forced to give up on every single hope and dream I had for him, and for my twins together. I had to quickly change my focus to my healthy little girl I had on the inside. There would be days that I couldn't look at my growing belly in the mirror because it was too painful to see my son growing, knowing that I would soon have to give him up. There were also days when I felt so weak from my sorrow, that I would lay down and sob. I would plead with my Heavenly Father to give me just a brief moment with my little boy. A kiss on his palm for him to hold forever was all I needed to give him before I sent him away, back to heaven, away from the evils of this earth.

Three months after we had a diagnosis for Baby A, he was born at 9:02 a.m. on a beautiful August morning. August 11, 2010. There was no cry. He could barely breathe. He was weak. He had been fighting so hard to hold on, and now it was time for him to say good-bye. At that moment, I became a mother. My first-born child came to this earth for only a brief moment, but a mother he made me forever. A mere 73 minutes after birth, while I held him in my arms, I watched him as his spirit slipped from his mortal being and into the arms of our Heavenly Father. It was amazing. You see, right after his diagnosis, I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to be bitter and angry, or I could choose to make the best of what time I had with my sweet Kingston. I chose the latter. I did not want to make it an ugly situation. I wanted it as beautiful as it could be... and that it was. There's not one thing I would change.

Before sending my son away, I kissed his perfect little nose, his cheeks, and last, but not least, the palm of his hand. I believe he's still holding my kiss in his hand. I watched as Ryan took him from my arms and placed him in a beautiful basket, lined in white. The poor young guy from the mortuary had to watch as I sobbed as he covered my son with a white sheet and left carrying my most precious cargo.

Last year, I did not think this is how my mother's day would be, but it is. One child in heaven, and another here on earth. Both beautiful blessings. Today I stood in the early-morning sun while my son's name was read over a sound system. What came next was a moment of silence. Kingston's moment, and every baby's, every child's, moment who has left this earth. I stood there with Scarlet in her stroller as I shed a tear for my child who is gone. I received a comforting touch from my beautiful friend standing behind me, who was also there because of her sweet baby becoming an angel. How grateful I am that even when I feel alone, I am not. I have beautiful women who surround me and lift me up in my times of grief, even while they go through their own. I am never alone. Kingston, I'm sure, is close by. He's got to watch over Scarlet.

How grateful I am that I have two beautiful children. They made me a mother. This is not how I envisioned motherhood, but I have to say, it has been more spectacular than I ever could have imagined.

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful women out there. You are amazing. You are strong.

Kingston's Place

We finally have a headstone for Kingston and it feels so good! I'm so glad we were finally able to get it. I wanted to have it before we left, so Ryan and I hurried and picked this one out. I love how it turned out! It's perfect!

They placed it in the cemetery yesterday and called me today. I was so super excited to go see it. I had to wait for Ryan and Scarlet to wake up before we could go and I swear it took forever for them to wake up.

Why a snowflake? The snowflake represents Kingston in that he was uniquely individual and only on the earth for a short period of time, just like a snowflake. If you look really close in the bottom left hand corner, you can see Scarlet's cute little footprints.

Lately...

What have we been up to lately? Scarlet got this super cute, super pink outfit from her grandma. We think it's hilarious to dress her up for public appearances. It's just too cute!We totally fit Scarlet into a giant Easter egg. We got a kick out of it. I couldn't believe my almost 9-month-old child fit into an Easter egg. Gotta love her!



The memorial place finally poured the cement for Kingston's headstone. We got to put our tiny dancer's feet in the cement. I always want a piece of her with him, and him with her. I'm so grateful that we were able to do this. I hope Scarlet teasures this forever.

"How very softly you tiptoed into our world. Almost silently; only a moment you stayed, but what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts."

Dear Scarlet -- 8 months

Dear Scarlet,

Today, you are 2/3 of a year old! I know I say this all the time, but really, I cannot believe how fast time is going by.

Last time we weighed you, you weighed in at a whopping 13 pounds 8 ounces. You're growing all the time and you just keep getting funner. You're still in 0-3 month clothes and some 3-6 month clothes, but I'm sure soon, you will be in 6 month clothes.

You love to sit up on your own. We were with your cousin, Makoy, one night and you saw her sitting on her own. You wanted to be just like her. Ever since that night, you have had no problem sitting up on your own. However, you still have no desire to crawl. I'm totally okay with that. I don't mind you being immobile. You will be walking soon enough, so I'm going to enjoy these months with you before you can run away from me!

You now eat bananas, prunes, apples, pears, squash, sweet potatoes, carrots, and we are always trying new things. You're not quite into textures yet, but it's slowly coming.

This last month I have had a little time to reflect on the days you were in the NICU. Everyday I would come visit you, I would put my left hand on your head and get close to you and say, "hello beautiful." It was my way of always telling you I was there. I still find myself doing that to you. It makes me so happy to know you are my daughter, my child.

From the time we brought you home, your dad would always sing Benni and the Jets to you and then make you dance. You have always loved that. Well, on American Idol a couple of weeks ago, a girl sang your song. We still have it recorded and play it for you all the time. You will stop whatever it is you're doing and stare at the TV as soon as you hear the music start. Then you start bobbing back and forth. It's adorable.

A couple of weeks ago your dad got a phone call from a graduate school in California. They told him he was accepted and is to start in August 2011. This means we are going to move to California right after your first birthday. I'm still kind of in shock, but I'm excited for our new adventures.

Sweet Scarlet, you are amazing! There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for what I have been given. Even having lost a child, I'm happier now than I ever was because you are a part of my life. I think I can be so happy because I know what true sorrow really is. I feel like I have been at both ends of the spectrum. I sure wonder what it would be like with Kingston here with you. Would you guys have your own language? Would you laugh at each other? Would he be just as happy as you are? I wish I knew. Maybe you are as happy as you are because he is still with you?

You're so amazing to me. Thank you for being such a fighter. You are doing amazingly well for being so premature. It is awe inspiring. I love you to pieces and pieces!

Love you,

Mom

Las Vegas

Oh Las Vegas, I miss your warm, warm weather. It's a good thing I brought home a super nice sunburn to remember you by. This was just a girl's trip. It was me, my cousin, April, and my cousin's wife, Alesha. I knew we were off to a good start when on the trip down we couldn't stop laughing, and I mean wet-your-pants kind of laughing. I needed that relief so badly. I just love these girls and was so glad Ryan was willing and able to watch Scarlet so I could go play for a couple of days. We got to Vegas around 10:30 p.m. on Friday night. We enjoyed a free concert by Sara Evans on Fremont Street. I was completely lost since I had no idea who she was, but April and Alesha enjoyed her as well as the billions of drunkerds there to watch her. We witnessed some pretty nasty things there as well. Oh Las Vegas. We stayed in the Flamingo both nights we were there. We weren't able to check in until about 3:00 in the morning. We were totally spent. It also took about an hour to get checked in. While waiting, we got to see the blue-haired lady riding a Jazzy (awesome), an IT, who will still to this piont and after seeing IT a couple of times have no idea if IT was a boy or a girl, many picture-worthy mullets, muffin tops, hookers, and short skirts. Good laughs were had by all just sitting in the lobby for an hour and watching people. I would try so hard to contain my laughter until people had passed by me, but there were times when I would just flat out start laughing because they looked so ridiculous. What is up with Vegas and people thinking it's okay to look like a hooker 24/7? Maybe they really are just hookers? Not sure. Saturday was April's birthday. We laid out at the pool for a little while and enjoyed the 90 degree weather. It was divine! (Insert sunburn here) We decided to go to a Cirque de Soleil show that night. We walked down to New York, New York. We thought the walk would take us like 20 minutes but it ended up taking us probably an hour and a half. We had to take a few detours and of course had to stop at all the crazies dressed up on the street like characters. Then we went to Ceaser's Palace and shopped of course. It was at that moment when I found an $88 outfit for Scarlet that I wished I had more money. Oh well, who needs it? We stayed in H&M for over an hour picking out super cute clothes. They even had the little overall outfit for Scarlet that I had died over when we were in California. This time it was on sale! Winner! After shopping, we went to Treasure Island and ate at their buffet. It was wonderful! Custom made pasta was my favorite. They also had sushi, BBQ, and the most exciting? Cotton candy!!!! I was literally in heaven. We took the bus back to New York, New York just in time for the show that started at 10:00 p.m. I have no idea how I managed to stay awake so late. The show was interesting. The dancing and tricks were awesome. Overall it was a great day in Vegas. We woke up Sunday and drove home exhausted. I believe I ended up going to bed around 8:00 that night. Yep, I was tired. We had a great time and I love that these girls are my family! Thanks, April, for being born so we could celebrate your birthday!