Baby Chloe

This is one story that always breaks my heart. I can't even imagine going through what Adam and Camille have gone through. They have shown great strentgh and love. I'm so grateful to know Camille. I'm not sure the circumstances that brought us together were ideal, but she is one amazing woman who has definitely made an impact on my life! Thank you so much for sharing Chloe with me!

My name is Camille, my husband is Adam. We got married on September 30, 2000… we decided to try to have children right away. It has always been my dream to be a mom, and I couldn’t wait! Unfortunately due to infertility, we were unable to get pregnant, despite a lot of testing, treatments and procedures.. everything failed and we were left with empty arms and broken hearts.

In October 2009, we received a phone call that changed our lives forever. We were given the chance to adopt a baby (due in February 2010). Of course we jumped at the opportunity. On December 18, 2009 we received the most amazing Christmas gift. It was an u/s picture of our baby GIRL!! They were so sweet to surprise us; I still say that was the best Christmas present EVER!

We were surprised in other ways too, this was the birth mom’s (BM’s) first u/s at 32 weeks and we found out that the baby had clubbed feet, as well as some other worrisome characteristics to her profile. The BM went back in to the specialist at 35 weeks, and we got called to the hospital. There was definitely something wrong with the baby, her hips were displaced and so her legs were laying flat against her body with her feet by her chin and she had clenched fists. At this time, the doctors weren’t sure how serious her condition would be but they were hoping it was just something muscle related and with physical therapy she would be great. We never waivered our love for this baby, nothing the doctors could have said would make us change our mind. She was OUR baby; we were already head over heels in love with her. But this news was shocking, after a lot of tears and tons of prayers we were back, strong as ever. Willing to do whatever we had to do, to make her life the best it could be.

Chloe was born at 37 weeks, on January 12, 2010, weighing in at 4 lbs, 6.5 oz. and as beautiful as can be! It was love at first sight… she made everything that we had gone through with our infertility, all of the tests, all of the treatments and procedures, all of the injections and drugs, and all of the tears that we shed, she made it all worth it! I would do everything over and over again just to see her, my precious baby girl. She was everything I have always dreamed of.

The first 2 days were absolutely bliss, mostly because the BM hadn’t signed over her rights and the doctors weren’t exactly telling us everything they knew. We knew that Chloe had problems with her legs and that her feet were clubbed and would probably need surgery. But her brain, her heart, and all of her other organs (though a tiny bit underdeveloped) were normal and functioning. What we didn’t know, that we found out on day three, was that Chloe was born with two severe muscle conditions. One condition effected her outside muscles (arms, legs, eyes, etc.), while the other one effected her inside muscles (her swallowing, breathing, etc.), and with both combined conditions she was now considered ‘incompatible with life’, she would never be able to breath without the help of a ventilator.

Chloe was such a strong little girl; she had such a fight for life. There wasn’t much we could do, but love her and that we did. On January 19, 2010, the BM finally signed over her rights and we got custody. We took the day celebrating our official day of being parents, as we knew the next day would be one of the hardest days of our lives, and it really was. On January 20, 2010, we turned off life support; Chloe took her last precious breath in my arms and the last beat of her tiny heart in her daddy’s arms. A piece of my heart stopped beating along with hers. I miss her so much, every single day. I don’t think our lives will ever be the same, I guess in some ways I don’t want it to be how it used to be. We are so blessed to have Chloe in our lives and as our eternal daughter, and we are so honored that we were chosen to be her parents.

The first time we got to see Chloe... which doesn't really count, because you can't see her. It was pure torture for the 45 minutes we waited out side of this window, to know OUR baby was finally here... after so long!!



This is my hand, the first time I saw her and touched her. I can NOT explain that feeling! Love at first sight, it took literally 10 seconds for me to fall head over hills, madly, hopelessly in love with her.

It's hard to choose favorites when it comes to pictures... because they are all so priceless... But this is one of my favorites.. I love seeing Adam’s big strong hands cradling here teeny tiny hand.


My brother gave the most amazing family prayer… after this, we sent the family out and Adam and I spent alone time holding Chloe, before we turned off the life support.

Adam and his princess... I love this picture. I love all the pictures with him and her together! He is the BEST dad...

The hospital gave us this hat... I LOVE it!!!! I kept the hat and keep it in her memory box. I am thankful to have it. Love this picture!!


Her coming home outfit...



Getting ready to say goodbye forever....


Me walking to meet the nurse to take Chloe... . Besides actually turning off the machines and not being able to do anything to save her as she laid dying in our arms. This was the HARDEST thing to do! I didn't want to let her go!!



Story provided by: Camille Millett

Baby Gabe

I'm so excited for the opportunity to share with you the lives of some very important people. These are the stories of our angel babies and the impacts they have made on the world.

Gabe's mom, Cyndi, is somebody who I love dearly. She delivered just one day after me, but we did not meet until January 2011. I will be eternally grateful that God sent her to help me through this.

My husband, Ben, and I have always wanted a lot of kids and have been so thankful for the Chance to be parents, especially after struggling with infertility before we had any. We knew for sure that we always wanted to have at least four, but were always open to more. After being blessed with our first four, two boys and two girls, we really felt like we were meant to have another. We prayed about it and knew it was right and on May 3, 2010 when our pregnancy test was positive after trying to conceive for only a month, we were so excited. We felt so blessed for the chance to be parents again to another precious child.

We always wait until the first trimester is over to spread the news, just in case, although we’d never had any real problems with any of our pregnancies. Our baby was due on January 7, 2011 so we told our kids that we had an early Christmas present for them. They opened up a box wrapped in Christmas paper to show a balloon with an expecting mom on it. We then told them that their Christmas present may be late this year, but it was going to be the best one ever! Their reactions were just what we expected…pure excitement for our new little baby on the way. The day they heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time was so much fun. It was so wonderful to see the awe in their faces as they heard those swish swish sounds meaning there really was a baby in mom’s tummy!

My pregnancy went along as smoothly as any of my other pregnancies, filled with my usual major exhaustion and morning sickness. I had some high blood pressure but I did my best to take it easy and get it under control. I knew from the very beginning that I was having a baby boy. It just felt right and honestly, I was so excited to have another boy again since my boys were close in age and I never felt that I got to just cherish each of their babyness as long as I had with my girls. We felt like maybe this baby was our last one, so I really tried to love every minute of my pregnancy. I began feeling the baby move early, before 13 weeks, and loved every little nudge and kick. I think I bonded with the baby much earlier than any of my other ones just because of this. What a blessing that was to really know my baby boy as much as I did.

On August 9 I went in for my usual check up. I was 18 weeks, 3 days. The Dr. measured me and said I was measuring right on and everything looked great. Then he listened for the baby's heartbeat only to not find it. My placenta sounded really good and he seemed positive that the baby was just lying towards the back of my uterus. But just in case, and so I could sleep, he sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound. I called my husband and we dropped the kids off at our friends and headed to the hospital. Even though the Dr. had been reassuring, I just knew then that it wasn’t going to be okay.

The ultrasound technician was just so quiet. I knew that he couldn't find the heartbeat but he still did measurements for awhile and said nothing. My husband held my hand and watched the screen. I never even looked at it. The tech confirmed that the baby did not have a heartbeat and wasn't moving. He wasn’t able to find any conclusive measurement to how far along the baby was when it had died. In that instant, my whole world shattered. It’s amazing how you can go from utter happiness to utter despair with the two simple words….no heartbeat.

The next few days were a blur. I’m not sure if I stopped crying during them. I didn’t sleep much. I didn’t eat much. I just somehow existed in a state of complete shock. The day after we found out we sat down to tell our kids. That was one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do, to tell my kids that the baby that they were so excited for, had planned so much for was now dead. Unfortunately, my kids have already had experiences with death, so when we told them, they knew exactly what it meant. The disappointment in their sweet faces was so apparent that it broke my heart.

Since they couldn’t tell how big the baby was on the ultrasound, my doctor wanted me to wait for a few days to see if my uterus would shrink at all or if my body might start to miscarry on it’s own. It didn’t happen, so my doctor finally scheduled an induction for August 12, the day before my 19th week mark. It was the most awful feeling to have to go to the hospital where we’d had other babies born and felt so much joy to know that this time we’d be going home empty handed and heartbroken. The induction was long and so hard. My body just did not want to give up my baby. It was the most physically painful labor that I’ve ever had and my heart continued to break knowing that in the end, this precious life of my baby’s would be completely over.

At 11:20 pm that night my baby boy entered the world, silent and still. The Dr. knew the cause for his death immediately. It was a cord accident. His tiny little cord was completely twisted at the insertion into his belly. All of those little nudges and kicks I had felt from my active little boy had twisted his little cord until it couldn’t sustain his life any longer. He was teeny tiny, weighing only 2 oz. and measuring 5 ½ inches, just about the length of my open hand, but he was perfect. He had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes with little nail buds forming. He had high cheek bones just like my husband’s, the cutest little nose, and tiny mouth. He was perfectly formed but just so tiny and so very still. The Dr. thought that based on his condition, that he had probably been dead for about a week. I can’t remember exactly the last time I felt him move since his tiny kicks were still so sporadic. I know for a fact that he was still alive when I was in my sixteenth week. I am so thankful for a day in that week that I have a very vivid memory of feeling my baby squirm away while I just relished in his little movements. I felt so incredibly blessed in that moment, loving this new little baby of my mine, and savoring the wonderful feeling of being a mother. I will always cherish that day.

We named our sweet baby Gabriel Benjamin. Gabriel means God is my Strength. We felt his name fit just perfectly because we would have to spend our lives depending on God for the strength to live without him in this life. Benjamin is my husband’s name.

In the end, it was a blessing to have to actually deliver him. As Ben and I sat with our baby and said goodbye to him I really wasn't as devastated as I thought I would be. It was extremely difficult but I knew that his lifeless body was not our little Gabriel's spirit which was already gone, but only his body, and I was grateful to be entrusted to help provide that for him. I know that he is one of our Heavenly Father's children and he needed a body to complete his own little plan. For whatever reason, he was just too perfect to need to stay on Earth, with all of the pains and sorrows we face, and I feel honored to be the mother of such a special spirit. I feel blessed to know that he is back in our Heavenly Father's arms and that through the power of the Atonement that my precious little Gabriel will return to my arms again when my life is through.

Story provided by: Cyndi Jordan

I lost him.

I didn't actually lose Him, I know exactly where He is.

October, also known as what I like to call "infant loss awareness month," is upon us. I guess it's not so much an awareness month as it is a remembrance month.

I believe these little angels bring great blessings along with trials, but the blessings far outweigh the trials.

Throughout the month, I am going to feature stories from my fellow baby-loss mommies in hopes that I can help remember their angels and know they are not forgotten. Keep checking back for stories of remembrance in honor of our angels who were just too perfect for this earth.

It's a Chick!

I bought this costume before I was ever pregnant. I think I've had it
for four years or so. Last year, Scarlet was just too tiny to fit in it. This year though, Scarlet fits in it and loves it! She didn't even try to take the head piece off. She wore the costume around the house until I decided it was too hot for her to wear it anymore. Poor thing was sweating to death in it! The saddest part? She's going to be a ladybug for Halloween and not a chick. I'm hoping we can find multiple Halloween parties so she can be both. Maybe she'll still fit in this next year.

It walks... kind of anyway

She's doing so well walking with her little wagon! I love that she giggles in this video. It shows so much of her personality.

Our week in a nutshell

This week has been insane! It all started Saturday night with Bella throwing up. I didn't think anything of it because sometimes she does that. It's a chihuahua thing. Anyway, she kept at it, and then started having diarrhea. I decided that since it hadn't stopped on Monday I would take her to the vet. They gave her a shot and some antibiotics and sent me home. Things looked hopeful for a moment. Then she started having bloody diarrhea. I know, too much info. It was so scary! By Tuesday, she was throwing up everything, all the water and Pedialyte we would give her, she wouldn't eat anything, and was so, so weak. We decided to take her to the pet ER that night and get her rehydrated since we thought it couldn't wait until morning. I am SO glad we did. We seriously thought she was on her death bed. It was mortifying. Lots of tears and prayers later, we are happy to say that Bella is now on the mend.

By Thursday, I had had it with cleaning up throw up and diarrhea, so I decided it was time for me to take Scarlet to Disneyland. We had a blast! We went with our friend, Amy, and her 3 kids, Carson, Beckham, and Chloe. As soon as we walked through the gates, I got stung by a bee, right on my finger. I kind of freaked out a tiny bit and made Amy pull the stinger out since I didn't think I could touch it myself. It grossed me out. After that ordeal was over, I was just sad that the bee was now dead. Poor little guy. I promise I didn't even try to hurt him. He was just under my hand at the wrong time I guess. I made myself feel better with a big giant Coke (Disneyland Coke is the best, even better than McDonald's).

Ryan had his first test today for school. He studied so hard for it. He has spent countless hours studying anotomy and innervations. He feels like he did well and I'm sure he did. I think he's fabulous at everything he does! He makes me so proud to be his wife.

... and that's our week... in a nutshell.

*As you can see from the photos, Scarlet loved goofy (she was laughing at him), and hated Minnie. She was totally freaked out by Minnie. So sad.

My Obsession

I'll admit it. I'm totally obsessed with Amazon. I can't help it. It has the most amazing prices out there and I get free 2-day shipping because I am an Amazon Mom. Are you an Amazon Mom? If not, you really, really need to sign up. You get great deals like 30% off diapers. LOVE IT! Anyway, I came to the realization that I was obsessed when I looked at my account and saw that over the last 30 days, I had 15 orders. What do I order? Pretty much everything you can think of.

• Toilet paper


• Sippy cups


• GoGo Squeez (if you have never tried this and you have kids, try it! I got my first one at Wal-Mart when Scarlet was having a full on freakout. She loved it, it made her happy, which in turn made me happy). It's applesauce in a squeezy pouch. Amazing invention.


• Laundry detergent


• Cascade dishwasher tablets


• USB cable for the printer


• A webcam (birthday gift for mother)

The list goes on and on. Literally. Since I discovered my obsession, I have really tried to keep the ordering to a minimum. I think the ladies at my leasing office hated me because I had a package coming almost every single day (no, UPS only delivers packages to my door occasionally. Yes, it is really annoying. I have to load up the stroller and walk to the leasing office in the million-degree heat to get my package). Anyway, there you go. Apparently I am an Amazon-aholic. Can't help it. Are you one too? Please let me know I'm not the only one out there.