Jocelyn’s arrival into this world:
Friday January 15th,2010, 2 days from Jocelyn's due date and four days from her scheduled delivery, started as any other day for John and I. Get up feed the kids, get dressed, John off to work and meet my mom at noon. But during that time I was having contractions, not too painful or concerned. As the day went on I realized late afternoon early evening that I was in the beginning stages of labor as I was having contractions every 30 minutes. I also realized that I had not felt Jocelyn move since lunch time. I shared my concern with John who asked if I wanted to call the doctor. I told him "Not yet let's and wait see what happens after the boys are in bed when she is at her most active time zone". That time went and passed without her making a move I also was now having contractions every 15 minutes. At this point I knew something was not right. I took a bath which always gets her moving and still nothing. That is when I told John I was going up to the hospital to make sure everything was ok and that I would call once I got there.
I prayed all the way to the hospital that everything would be ok, while feeling that my contractions were still consistent at 15 minutes apart, which had me concerned because she was in a breech position. Once I got there they had me undress and get settled into a bed where they hooked me up to a monitor to hear the heart beat. When the nurse could not find Jocelyn's heart beat my heart sank. In my head I was thinking there has to be a mistake and she is going to be just fine. I prayed again in my heart that this is not happening and this was not happening. That is when they ordered an ultrasound to see what was really going on. Time seemed to pass very slowly. I called John to advise him that my parents are on their way to watch the kids so he could come be with me. Shortly after that my doctor came in with the ultra sound machine. He said he was at the movies and left when he got the message that I was at the hospital and why I was there. I was thankful and grateful to see him because I felt he would tell me that our baby girl was just fine. I watched on the monitor saw her little ribs where her heart should have been beating and was not. I went numb thinking this is not happening I just felt her eight hours earlier how could she be gone. I handed my cell to my doctor to have him call John because I could not. That is when parts of reality sat in and the tears began to flow.
I prayed all the way to the hospital that everything would be ok, while feeling that my contractions were still consistent at 15 minutes apart, which had me concerned because she was in a breech position. Once I got there they had me undress and get settled into a bed where they hooked me up to a monitor to hear the heart beat. When the nurse could not find Jocelyn's heart beat my heart sank. In my head I was thinking there has to be a mistake and she is going to be just fine. I prayed again in my heart that this is not happening and this was not happening. That is when they ordered an ultrasound to see what was really going on. Time seemed to pass very slowly. I called John to advise him that my parents are on their way to watch the kids so he could come be with me. Shortly after that my doctor came in with the ultra sound machine. He said he was at the movies and left when he got the message that I was at the hospital and why I was there. I was thankful and grateful to see him because I felt he would tell me that our baby girl was just fine. I watched on the monitor saw her little ribs where her heart should have been beating and was not. I went numb thinking this is not happening I just felt her eight hours earlier how could she be gone. I handed my cell to my doctor to have him call John because I could not. That is when parts of reality sat in and the tears began to flow.
John arrived and came to my side so our doctor could go over what our options were about delivering our sweet little girl whose heart was no longer beating. At first I was like just knock me out and do a c-section, but after some long discussion with our doctor. And praying with John, my mother, my brother Sean and his wife Natalie we chose to deliver her vaginally, which I knew would be no easy task because I am not able to have an epidural.
Jocelyn then arrived into this world asleep January 16th, 2010 at 10:37am. The nurse swaddled her up and gave her to me to hold and love. She was beautiful! That is when the nurse said that a woman from Now Lay Me Down To Sleep was coming to take pictures of our princess. At 1st I was unsure of someone I did not know to come and take pictures and if that was normal. But when she arrived and shared a little about what she does and how it works I quickly became grateful to her. She took Jocelyn to get cleaned up and dressed in a precious white dress that the photographer brought in and gave to us along with a mommy and me bracelet. When she returned with Jocelyn she began taking photos of us and our Jocelyn. She said that it will take a few weeks to have them ready and would be mailed to us, but could have a few ready for our graveside service if we wished.
A few days later I got an e-mail with two of the photos and was just so amazed how well she captured our little Jocelyn. I am so glad and grateful that I have these even when I was unsure and overwhelmed at everything going on. I hope and pray that expecting parents have to never go through this, but life as we know will happen and what these volunteer photographers do for grieving parents is something that they would not have other wise. I will be forever grateful to them and want to share what they do with others, so that they may continue to make these precious moments happen for families that are suffering from a the loss of a child. They have given me peace and have helped my three boys to know that their sister is real and will forever be a part of our family.
The Moments after Jocelyn’s arrival in this world:
As Jocelyn was put into my arms for the 1st time I could not believe how beautiful she was and how much she looked like her brother Joseph. I did not want to let her go as I kissed her little head and cried that I would not be taking her home to share with everyone. There were going to be no late night feedings, cute little dresses, and brothers fighting over her. I felt all my dreams for her shatter to thousands of little pieces. So I chose to live in that moment as though she were just sleeping and would wake soon to be fed.
During those moments after her birth were also very sacred. I cannot describe it, except for it was the closest I have ever felt to being in Heaven. The vial is much thinner then I have ever known. I knew her little spirit was near and that she was with us sharing her love and gratitude for John and I. I in turn was also filled with joy knowing that she is our daughter and that I will get to hold her again and that is a the gift I will hold in my heart until that day comes. I know she is special and that lord needed her back, for he has greater plans for her. So this moment in time is just a small moment compared to the eternities and what is to come in the life after this. That is when I knew I had to survive and hold my head high for Jocelyn. I know this task will not be easy, but with God at my side and Jocelyn checking in with us we can endure and with time be able to heal.
How the day was spent following Jocelyn’s birth:
The day was spent with family and friends coming and going. Which at first I was not sure I wanted anyone to come, because I was so overwhelmed of how my left was and has changed forever. I was in awe of the love people have for John and I. We will be forever grateful to all those who came to support us and no words can even begin to say how we feel for everyone.
I was grateful that the boys were able to come up and see their sister. At 1st John and I were not sure if it would be the right thing to do, but I know that it was the right thing. When they came into the room I was so glad that I am their mother and they are my boys and that I do have them to go home to. I am not sure I would be able to make it through if I did not have my boys to keep me moving forward.
The 1st thing Jarren asked when he came into the room was “Can I hold my sister?” He was so excited to have a sister and I know that it was hard for him to sit there and hold her. I know it was a healing moment for him to be there with her and to know that she is still his sister. Jarren has been so strong and loves his siblings so much. He asks all the time if she can be is guardian angle? I tell him yes and to never forget her.
Jacob and Joseph were quiet and timid, but looked upon their sister with great love and sadness. As they get older I know they will come to understand more and know that their sister is with them
Story provided by: Heidi Files
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