Friday, October 22, 2010

73 minutes... 73 days

I know that I have mentioned this to some of you before, but I am going to say it again. There was a day just a few weeks after our twins were born when Ryan and I had to go to the health department and get their birth certificates for our insurance. We also had to get Kingston's death certificate. Up until that point, I had been oddly okay with the way things were. I walked out of the health department with documents in hand and then I started reading. I held my son's death certificate and read ... Kingston Ryan Hone born August 11, 2010. Time of birth: 9:02 a.m. Time of death: 10:15 a.m. 73 minutes. At that moment, it was like a slap in the face. Yes, this is real. He's gone. That's when my eyes became so blurry with tears I could no longer read the paper I was holding. I wanted to fall to the sidewalk below me and sob. I knew he was gone, but seeing it on paper was hard. I didn't realize he had only been alive for 73 minutes. When he was here with us, it was almost as if time slowed down for just a moment. I remember it so well.

9:02 a.m.: "Ashley, take a look at your son." I did. I was scared. He was tiny.
9:04 a.m.: "Here's your daughter. You can see she is much bigger than her brother." She was.

Somewhere around 9:45 I was wheeled back into my room. I got to hold Kingston for the first time. Then Ryan held Kingston in his arms and gave him a blessing. It was beautiful. Ryan has a way with words.

They gave Kingston back to me and I could tell his breathing was slowing. I had to ask the nurse to come check him and see if he was still alive. Yes, he still had a heart beat, slow, but a heart beat no less. I remember the hurt. My heart was broken. I could do nothing to comfort Ryan. All we could do was hold our child and watch him pass away. Again, I asked the nurse to see if he was still alive. She listened and walked away. She went to get the neonatologist. He came in, put his little tiny stethoscope on Kingston's chest and with sadness in his eyes, he told us Kingston was gone. I lost it.

Now here we are, 73 days later. I cannot believe it has already been 73 days. Scarlet is thriving. She is a constant reminder to us that she is a gift from God. A gift we are so grateful for. She is also a reminder of the 73 minutes we got to spend with her brother... a gift from God. So, for those of you who are parents out there, hold your child just a little tighter today. Hold onto those precious minutes they are in your arms and thank God he has given you a wonderful gift.

10 comments:

Shanna said...

Ashley, seeing these pictures are so heart breaking. I have to say, I am glad you got someone to document this for you! these are truly precious! Can I also say that the picture where you are touching Ryan's face and he is crying is so beautiful to me! I can feel your emotion and pain by looking at this picture! you guys are amazing and Kingston was so lucky to have you as parents! Love you!

Chris and Christina said...

Sometimes I don't comment because I don't know what to say, but I look up to you two and always love reading about our lives. You guys really are amazing in every way and I think about your family often.

callie.bottero said...

Thank you, Ashley.

Nicole *Ü* said...

Oh man. So emotional. My mother-in-law lost a son to twin-to-twin transfusion, and that was over 40 years ago. I can only imagine. My heart goes out to you guys. Scarlet is beautiful, though!!

jodu said...

you and ryan continue to prove to me that love is so much greater than saying the words. my heart breaks for you every time i read your writing yet i know the happiness scarlet has brought into your life. you will never cease to amaze me little sis. you are a beacon, a light house in the dark night.

Harmony said...

What a tender, sweet post. You are so strong. I can see special your little Kingston was, if only by the way you write about him.

Brett and Collette Merrill said...

Thank you for sharing and for your testimony. It strengthens me to hear it.

Neysa said...

Oh Ash! Those are the most precious pictures. I can't even imagine the pain you went through and are going through now. At least you will see him again someday. He's in a great place. I'm sure you will have your good days and bad days too. I know Shanna does and that is completely normal. Just to let you know we are still thinking of you guys everyday. You are still in my thoughts and prayers. Scarlet is just a DOLL. I could eat her to pieces. She is BEAUTIFUL and SOOO PERFECT too. Have so fun with her and enjoy every minute. They get more fun too as they get older and older. Love you Ash! Muwa. :)

Robins Fam said...

Ash, you are so strong. Thank you for sharing these pictures. They are so real. I will be holding my kids tighter...

connie said...

Both of your babies are so beautiful. I am so sorry you weren't able to bring both of your twins home, but also so glad you have Scarlet. I know you think about Kingston every day, as I do about Mallorie. So many things remind me of her, and of what might have been if we still had her. I have a friend who lost a son (much older) who tells me that never changes, but that it might get a tiny bit less painful over much time. I don't know about you, but I really don't feel confident about that. And it makes me sad, anyway, to think of somehow missing her less.

Thank you for reaching out to me on the blog. I prayed for you and your husband tonight. The video you have of you welcoming Kingston was beautiful, and I'm so glad you have that to watch again and again.