Saturday, May 7, 2011

My First Mother's Day

Here we are. My very first mother's day. Yes, I guess you could say that last year I was technically a mother, but the minis were still growing. Do you remember? I surely do. We had just had our gender ultrasound and found out there was a "complication" with our son (Boy Baby, Baby A). I remember trying to brush it off and play it cool around our families, but deep down in my heart, I knew what my son had... I knew he wasn't going to live. I remember my heart just aching. It was painful. I didn't want to eat or sleep. However, my body thought differently, or maybe it was the minis telling me otherwise. In the back of my mind, I had to tell myself things were not really as bad as I thought. I was just thinking the worst, but no way was it possible that our son could die. Could that really happen? No way. I thought for a moment he could be fixable, that his diagnosis really wouldn't be "incompatible with life."

You never want to give up on the hopes and dreams you have for your unborn child. Afterall, he was a boy. He was supposed to be like his daddy, extremely talented in all aspects of life (school, sports, music). But alas, it was not meant to be. I was forced to give up on every single hope and dream I had for him, and for my twins together. I had to quickly change my focus to my healthy little girl I had on the inside. There would be days that I couldn't look at my growing belly in the mirror because it was too painful to see my son growing, knowing that I would soon have to give him up. There were also days when I felt so weak from my sorrow, that I would lay down and sob. I would plead with my Heavenly Father to give me just a brief moment with my little boy. A kiss on his palm for him to hold forever was all I needed to give him before I sent him away, back to heaven, away from the evils of this earth.

Three months after we had a diagnosis for Baby A, he was born at 9:02 a.m. on a beautiful August morning. August 11, 2010. There was no cry. He could barely breathe. He was weak. He had been fighting so hard to hold on, and now it was time for him to say good-bye. At that moment, I became a mother. My first-born child came to this earth for only a brief moment, but a mother he made me forever. A mere 73 minutes after birth, while I held him in my arms, I watched him as his spirit slipped from his mortal being and into the arms of our Heavenly Father. It was amazing. You see, right after his diagnosis, I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to be bitter and angry, or I could choose to make the best of what time I had with my sweet Kingston. I chose the latter. I did not want to make it an ugly situation. I wanted it as beautiful as it could be... and that it was. There's not one thing I would change.

Before sending my son away, I kissed his perfect little nose, his cheeks, and last, but not least, the palm of his hand. I believe he's still holding my kiss in his hand. I watched as Ryan took him from my arms and placed him in a beautiful basket, lined in white. The poor young guy from the mortuary had to watch as I sobbed as he covered my son with a white sheet and left carrying my most precious cargo.

Last year, I did not think this is how my mother's day would be, but it is. One child in heaven, and another here on earth. Both beautiful blessings. Today I stood in the early-morning sun while my son's name was read over a sound system. What came next was a moment of silence. Kingston's moment, and every baby's, every child's, moment who has left this earth. I stood there with Scarlet in her stroller as I shed a tear for my child who is gone. I received a comforting touch from my beautiful friend standing behind me, who was also there because of her sweet baby becoming an angel. How grateful I am that even when I feel alone, I am not. I have beautiful women who surround me and lift me up in my times of grief, even while they go through their own. I am never alone. Kingston, I'm sure, is close by. He's got to watch over Scarlet.

How grateful I am that I have two beautiful children. They made me a mother. This is not how I envisioned motherhood, but I have to say, it has been more spectacular than I ever could have imagined.

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful women out there. You are amazing. You are strong.


Rachelle said...

that was the most beautiful thing i have ever read. seriously. EVER. thanks for sharing. i think of you often in amazement and complete awe. you are beautiful ashley and what precious children you have.

Dari said...

That was beautiful. You are such an amazing mommy. I hope you are having a wonderful mother's day! Loves!

Cyndi said...

That was so amazing, Ashley. What a wonderful tribute to your little Kingston and the amazing gift you have in being his mother.