Coming August 2011...

California girls!

You heard me. We will be moving to the Pasadena area in August so that Ryan can attend graduate school there. He had interviews at Georgetown in Washington DC and also Kaiser Permanente School of Anesthesia in Pasadena. After lots of hard work and preparation, he was accepted to both schools (and of course he killed his interviews)! After much thought, he chose to accept the offer to go to California. Why? It's closer to home, warmer, beautiful... you get the point. Oh, and it has a great program. He was actually accepted for fall 2012 and was an alternate this year for Kaiser, but they just called us today and told us that he has been accepted! I couldn't be more proud of him! He has worked so hard for this and he so totally deserves it. I'm so excited for our adventures, but a little nervous to be so far away from what I know as home. Wish us luck!

Crazy Fact

So, I forgot to mention this the other day. On March 11, 2011, it was seven months since delivery. I was only pregnant for 7 months (January 11-August 11). Scarlet has now officially been on the outside longer than she was on the inside. Is that crazy or what?? I kind of can't believe it.

Boxes of Memories

For the last 7 months, I have had a bag on Scarlet's floor labled on one side with "Patient Belongings." On the other side written in black marker was, "Kingston Memories." When I left the hospital 7 months ago after giving birth, I didn't get to leave with a baby in my arms. I left with a bag full of memories. I remember sitting outside my room right before I left in my wheelchair. I looked at my door with the green handprint on it. The handprint indicated to everyone who passed by, that I was a mother of a child who had passed away. I started bawling as I looked at it. I didn't get to bring my son home. My arms were empty. All I had was his bag of memories. This bag contained Kingston's blankets (3 of them to be exact). Every blanket he was wrapped in, we kept. There was no way I could let go of what held my precious son and kept him warm in his final hours. There was a heart-shaped box that contained a replica of his diaper, his little beanie he wore right after birth (it still has goo in it even, gross I know), his name bracelets that he never wore, and his hand and foot prints. It also contained the hundreds of photos we had taken of our time together and the precious time with him after he passed away. This bag contained memories, but also a lot of pain. Every time I would open the bag and see his blankets, I would feel an emptiness in my heart.

Today, I grew the strength to remove the items from our "Kingston's Memories" bag and place them in a storage tote and put it away... Off of the floor, no longer in a bag, but in a safe place. It was hard. Harder than I wanted it to be. I pulled his outfits out of the closet and placed them in the box. They are no longer where I see them when I open the closet. It breaks my heart.

In my religion, we believe that we are forever families and we will be together for eternity. That's absolutely wonderful, but guess what? That knowledge doesn't heal the physical pain of losing a child. I can't pick up the pieces of my broken heart and mend it overnight. It's not possible. For my time left on earth, all I have to remember my son are memories, and memories fade. I hate that. But for now, I will cherish what I have, even if it is a box now labled "Kingston Ryan Hone."

Dear Scarlet -- 7 months

Dear Scarlet,

Over the last seven months, we have come to be best friends. I don't even know how we lived without you. You are such a joy in our lives and we are seriously so blessed to have you as our own.

This month has been really quite eventful. For Valentine's Day, we went to the cemetery and took Kingston a balloon and flowers. I guess we took them to Chad too since that's actually where we placed them since Kingston still doesn't have a headstone (someday soon he will. I hope).

You also got to take your first plane ride to California. You were absolutely wonderful. However, in the hustle and bustle of everything, I left my phone in Utah at the airport. Leave it to me to be so super flaky. At least I remembered you, right?

While in California we went to a lot of different places and had so much fun! You were such a joy! You would just sit in your stroller and look at everything. I seriously couldn't have planned for it to go any better. You even slept well. We got to take you swimming for the very first time. You loved it (check out the bikini!! I got this for you before you were born)! There's not a whole lot that you don't like.

You are such a good-mannered child. You sleep well, you're always happy, and you are such a flirt with your daddy! You always give him the cutest smiles.

We have started you on real baby food, not just the nasty rice cereal. You are an extremely good eater. So far you like squash, sweet potatoes, and apples. Peaches aren't quite your thing, but we'll keep working on it. You always want to grab the spoon when I feed you. There has only been one incident in which you sneezed as I was putting food in your mouth. Let's just say there was sqaush all over me, you, the table, and your Bumbo seat. No sneezing while eating, okay?

You now love to stand up. You are so interested in everything going on around you. You are so much fun to watch learn and grow. You will also roll from your back to your tummy and from your tummy to your back; however, you don't like to do it unless we make you. You seem to be a little lazy in that department.

I cannot believe another month of your life has passed right before my eyes. You have honestly brought so much joy into my life and I am beyond blessed to have you as my daughter.

Loves and loves,

Mama

p.s. You will now say "mama" and Papa says you also say "papa." I'll believe it when I see it! You little smarty pants!