Home of the Hones

Pregnancy Update -- 20 weeks

2012-01-24T21:52:00.002-07:00

How far along? 20 weeks
Weight gain/loss: As of 2 weeks ago, I had gained 2 pounds
Maternity clothes? Still no.
Stretch marks? The skin gods have been good to me.
Sleep? Ahhhhh.... sleep.
Best moment this week? I've had lots of good moments this week. Maybe when the perinatologist looked at Tiny Todd and told me he can find absolutely NOTHING wrong with him!! It feels so good to get good news!
Food cravings: Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. I had to settle for red velvet tonight since the store didn't have the particular chocolate on chocolate I was hoping for. Yes, I could make my own, but then I run the risk of eating the entire thing. Then I'd cry.
Gender: Still a boy!
Belly button in or out? In, but starting to flatten.
Movement? Tiny Todd has started to tickle me. Sounds weird, and I didn't know that that was entirely possible, but apparently it is.
What I miss? Acid-free esophagus.
What I'm looking forward to: Getting the kids' room ready! I have already ordered Scarlet's bedding ($20!!!! What a steal!). Still get to do a little painting, move Scarlet to her "big girl" bed, and rearrange. I'm excited though! I can't believe we have another baby on the way!

Pregnancy Update

2012-01-04T21:40:00.001-07:00

(This picture was mid-bite of cheesecake and me telling Ryan, "no, not ready yet." Apparently that's as good as it's going to get)

How far along? 17 weeks
Weight gain/loss: No idea
Maternity clothes? The stretchy band pants are still too big, so no, no maternity clothes yet.
Stretch marks? None.
Sleep? I'm a pro at sleeping!
Best moment this week? Watching Ryan watch our baby on the ultrasound.
Food cravings: Cheesecake
Gender: Boy!
Belly button in or out? Still in
Movement? This little guy is super wiggly! He's always be-bopping around!
What I miss? I miss my pain-free pelvis. It's always a good time when you feel like a giant just stepped on your pelvis.
What I'm looking forward to: Eating food!

17 weeks with twins

Tiny Todd or Tiny Tiff?

2012-01-02T20:22:00.002-07:00

While in Utah, we had the opportunity to do a gender ultrasound. I'm scheduled for the real one in January, but I was sad that Ryan wasn't going to be able to be there because of his ultra busy schedule.

I had already gotten to see our little babe on a couple of occasions up to this point, but Ryan had not. I was so excited for him to see our little floater on the ultrasound. It was also proof that I wasn't just making up my sickness and being so tired all the time, and that there was actually a little human in my belly.

I always thought this baby was a boy. Ryan always wanted it to be a girl. When we came home from the ultrasound, we separated pick and blue skittles into two bowls. Whichever color my family found more of was supposed to be the gender of the baby. Too bad Ryan counted his blue color wrong or it would have actually worked. There ended up being more pinks than blues, so the family thought it was a girl for a split second until I freaked out.

Well, needless to say, I'm right. Tiny Todd really is a Tiny Todd and not a Tiny Tiff. He was not shy at all when it came to showing off his goods. We couldn't be more thrilled to be welcoming this new little guy into our family.

Christmas -- Part 3

2012-01-02T20:08:00.005-07:00

Christmas evening is when we get to go to Grandma Hone's house and have the Hone Pinata Party. I think this is every grandkid's favorite thing about Christmas. What's better then spending time with your cousins, eating french dips and shrimp, and getting spoiled rotten by grandma? Not much really. This is really such a fun tradition in our family. Each year, grandma picks a theme for the kids to dress up as. Last year it was the reindeer antlers. This year, elf ears. Scarlet LOVED hers. She stills wants to put them on everyday.

Last year (2010)

This year (2011)

Scarlet was so thrilled with the idea of hitting a moving/flying object with a stick. She got to watch the boys do it first. With each hit, she would clap and scream. She loved it. She was even more excited when we let her have a go at it! She would take the bat, hit the pinata, drop the bat, and clap for herself. It was really quite adorable (check out the transparent bat! I have no idea why it did that).

Just some good old fashioned grandma/granddaughter time.

Once upon a time when our nephew, Austin (pictured), was about Scarlet's age, he laid on Ryan's back just like this. Now we have our little Scarlet on Austin being such a little poser.

Christmas -- Part 2

2012-01-02T19:57:00.003-07:00

I was so excited for Christmas this year. I thought Scarlet would be super excited about the gifts and candy that she got. Well, apparently when she has to be woken up at 6:30, she's not too thrilled. When we took her to the Christmas tree, she just laid on the couch, face down, and wouldn't move. After a while, she kind of got into it and it was a good time had by all. Scarlet was spoiled rotten.

For the fifth year in a row, we gave my parents "the fudge bear" (you can see my dad attempting to take a bite). My mom was so upset that she didn't get to it before any of us. It lives in the freezer all year round and only comes out when we give it to our parents for their gift. Don't worry, it's not their real gift. We usually get them season tickets to the theater. Once again, we got it for them. They claim it is the best gift they have ever gotten since they get to use it all year long. I have actually enjoyed it too since on occasion I will get to go to a show with them.

After presents, we got dressed and ready for 9:00 church. Scarlet looked like a babe. After a wonderful Christmas meeting, we came home and had an egg casserole, bacon, and other deliciousness with all of my siblings. It was the perfect Christmas day!

That wasn't the end to our Christmas day. Nope, just the beginning. The rest will follow in its own very special post.

Christmas -- Part 1

2011-12-31T20:31:00.003-07:00

We just got back from Utah a few hours ago. It's been a somewhat sad day. We had way too much fun while we were there. It's going to take a few blog posts to get it all in.

On December 23rd, I decided to start the new tradition of "Kingston Eve". It consists of lighting a candle for every Christmas he has been gone and leaving out his stocking to see what the Kingston Santa will bring.

Scarlet, as you can tell, was super excited to dig into Kingston's stocking to see all the treats. She found our 2011 ornament (a blue snowflake), candy canes, and some hot chocolate.

We then proceeded to take all the goods to the cemetery where we got to spend some time with our sweet Kingston. It was a day just for him. I'm so glad we did this too. We made up the hot chocolate, which ended up being the best idea ever since it was FREEZING in Utah that day (Christmas Eve).

I think Scarlet enjoyed spending time with her brother and also eating the candy canes found in his stocking. We tried to share them with Kingston, but she would just pick them up and eat them.

Just when we were about to leave, my mom picked up this blob from the ground and said, "Is this something?" I took one look and started laughing hysterically. Um yeah, it's totally his birthday cupcake! I have no idea how in the world it was still by his headstone after all these months, lawn mows, and spinklings from the sprinklers, but there it was!

Scarlet Appleseed

2011-12-20T21:34:00.002-07:00

Scarlet, probably like every other child loves to play with our pots and pans. She will take them all out of the cupboard and carry them around the house. On this particular day, she left them on the floor while we went to the neighbor's for dinner. By the time we got home, she was having a full-on meltdown. At this point, she walked to the bathroom and proceeded to fall down and then backwards, with her head landing directly in the pot. It literally paralyzed her. She wouldn't move for anything and wouldn't make a peep. Ryan and I just sat there and laughed at her. We're good parents like that. We figured it would make a good photo op, so here it is!

Giggle Goose

2011-12-19T15:37:00.002-07:00

Scarlet was so tired this day we went to Disneyland. She thought the most simple game of Peek-A-Boo was beyond hilarious. About 30 seconds after I stopped filming this, we heard somebody screaming, "call 911, call 911!!! We need a medic!" I grabbed Scarlet from Ryan and made him jump over the lines of people to go help. Some lady was having a seizure and thankfully Ryan and his friend, Jeff, were there to save the day. They kept her stable until the paramedics arrived and took her to the hospital. Just one more reason I am grateful to be married to a wonderful nurse.... he saves lives.

Dear Scarlet -- 16 months, 3 days

2011-12-14T20:28:00.002-07:00

Dear Scarlet,

Oh my, my. Where has time gone? It's been a while since I last wrote to you. You have changed by leaps and bounds over the last few months. On 11/11/11, you started walking! It has been so fun to watch you explore and learn about the world around you now that you can wander on your own.

Your vocabulary is growing every single day. You now say: Baby, light, on, thank you, what is it?, uh oh.... and I'm sure there are more that I am missing. It's adorable to hear you talking. I can't believe you learn so quickly and seem so eager to learn new things each day. Oh, you also know that the kitty says, "meow", and the goat says, "bahhhhhh". The goat sound always comes out as a yell though. We're working on it.

I still can't believe you're going to be a big sister! What a shock that has been. We are slowly adjusting to the idea of having another little mouth to feed and baby to love. We are thrilled beyond belief for this new little sibling for you. I always felt like you got robbed a little by having your twin taken away. I wish I could have changed the situation. However, I still believe he is close to you and always will be. You two have an amazing bond, I'm sure of it!

I'm SO excited to watch you this Christmas. I can't wait for you to see what Santa brings. I know you're going to love Christmas this year. I am also excited for you to show off your new skills to all of our family back in Utah who just don't get to see you that often. We get to leave for Utah in just ONE WEEK!! Daddy and I are so excited to go home.

You also popped out two more teeth. You have been a drooly mess lately because of it. You also don't sleep so great at night because I think your little mouth hurts. Sorry sweetheart!

Well, little twinkle toes, you are such a joy! We just love you to pieces and pieces.

Loves,

Mom

Pregnancy Update

2011-12-07T21:27:00.002-07:00

Hopefully I can do this every couple of weeks at least. Like I said before, I really want to document this pregnancy better than I did last time.

How far along? 13 weeks
Weight gain/loss: Negative 1 pound
Maternity clothes? Nope, not yet. I'm holding out as long as possible. Oh wait, I will occasionally wear my Heidi Klum maternity pants. Love them! Thanks Dari for convincing me that I needed them.
Stretch marks? None. Knock on wood.
Sleep? Naps yes, bedtime, difficult
Best moment this week? Finding out our baby does not have a chromosomal abnormality!
Food cravings: Salty foods and HOT peppers. Oh yummm..... now I want a pepper.
Gender: I think it's a boy. Ryan is hoping for a girl.
Belly button in or out? In
Movement? I keep thinking that I feel little movements, but I'm still not 100% sure. It seems kind of early to me. Either way, I'm excited to feel this baby wiggle!
What I miss? Being able to walk to the mailbox and back without getting winded. This goes for going up the stairs as well. Boo to lower lung capacity and a husband who makes fun of me when I can't breathe.
What I'm looking forward to: Feeling Tiny Todd wiggle!

Quick Update on Baby #3

2011-12-06T22:12:00.004-07:00

I think most of you know what a trial my last pregnancy was. It was also a blessing. After having gone through something so traumatic, I have to admit that when I saw a positive pregnancy test this time around, I was scared to death. I was literally shaking as I looked at it. Why so scared? Well, because once you experience what we did, you're just never the same.Our naivety was robbed from us and we're (I'm) now paranoid. I was so afraid of this baby not being healthy. My very first doctor's visit, which should have been nice and easy, was filled with major anxiety. I'm so glad I have a doctor who I think could sense this and was on top of it. She has done multiple blood tests and today I went to see perinatology. Again, as you can imagine, I was a nervous wreck. Last time I was with a perinatologist, I got the worst news of my life. Thankfully this time around was a bit different. We did a quick ultrasound for the nuchal translucency test. This was to find out if our baby, Tiny Todd, had Down syndrome. They also did some other measurements for trisomy 18. I am thrilled to report and our little Tiny Todd was kicking up a storm and sucking on his/her fist. It was adorable! I'm also double thrilled to report that Tiny Todd is a healthy baby! No Down syndrome and NO, I repeat, NOOOOOO trisomy 18! It was great news.

The First Belly Shots

2011-11-30T21:27:00.002-07:00

Are you ready for this? Can you handle it? I'm trying to be better about documenting this pregnancy. So far I am failing miserably. It's so hard to remember and/or make Ryan take the pictures. Not to mention how dorky I feel standing there while he takes them.

For your viewing pleasure, I bring you Tiny Todd at 10 weeks

and 12 weeks.

Please ignore the looks of disgust on my face and my nasty ponytail hair. California humidity does crazy things to a girl's hair!

The California Miracle

2011-11-11T17:07:00.002-07:00

Once upon a time, I went to the most magical place on earth. I was sick all day long. I finally started to beg Ryan to let me go home since I felt so crappy. Now, this was no ordinary sickness. It was that sick, I need to eat or I'm going to throw up sickness. I knew it was either I had the flu or I was pregnant, the latter of which we know is impossible. Ryan and I had decided that we were happy with one child and our other children could wait for an indefinite amount of time. In vitro was far from our minds, so for me to be pregnant would be impossible. We were told the chances of conceiving naturally were "not likely." Well, we came home from Disneyland and I ended up taking a test. This is what it said: I thought for sure the test must be broken, so I took another one the next day. We got the same result. We are in complete shock, but we are so excited to be adding Tiny Todd (keep in mind, we do not know the sex yet. Tiny Todd is just this baby's nickname) to our family. He/she will be arriving in June 2012! And that folks, is the California miracle!

First Official Steps

2011-11-07T21:30:00.002-07:00

This might be the cutest thing I have witnessed this week. Don't mind the big pile of clothes in the background. At least you know we wear clean clothes. Also, don't mind the chocolate on my child's face. Her grandmother sent her some Snickers which she is obsessed with. She gets to eat one (tiny size) a day. She's very good to share with mom or dad. Last, don't pay attention to the dog humping in the background. Awesome. I had no idea she was doing that until I watched this video tonight. Haha....

Halloween 2011

2011-11-01T20:22:00.002-06:00

Halloween in California did not disappoint. Saturday night, we had our ward trunk-or-treat. It was so fun to see all of the kids dressed up in their costumes. We had a delicious chili cook off that night too. Yum yum! Scarlet got to be a lady bug for this party.

She was too small to go get candy, so she just sat in the trunk with me and helped hand out candy.

On Halloween, we dressed her up in her chick outfit so all the neighbors who came by, could see how cute she looked. We also got to webcam with my family so they could see how adorable she was. She loved her costumes. Both of them.

Our neighbors a few doors down went all out on decorations. It was amazing! They worked on it all month long. No lie. It was like a haunted house... only outside. I wish you could see the entire thing better because it was amazing.

Our night ended kind of early since we have a toddler who goes to bed at 7:00 and a husband/daddy who has to study for a million hours a day. It was still a lot of fun! I can't wait for next year when Scarlet will understand even better what Halloween is all about.... candy.

Trip to Utah, Vegas, Utah, and Josh's Reception

2011-11-01T19:54:00.004-06:00

I'm finally getting around to posting about my trip to Utah, Vegas, back to Utah, and then home to California. Scarlet and I flew out to Utah on October 12th. Things were going great.... until the plane was delayed. Their excuse? "They burst the line where the blue juice goes in." Awesome. Stuck on a plane with a 1-year-old. Let me tell you how much fun that is. Needless to say, Scarlet screamed the entire flight from LA to Utah. Sorry to all the passengers on the flight with me.

I dropped Scarlet off at my parent's house, stayed the night, and then left the next morning with Leslie and Dari for Vegas! It was so good to see my long lost friends (even though it's only been two months since I last saw them). We got to eat great food, get pedicures, shop, and best of all, go to Brooke and James' wedding. It was gorgeous! Brooke was gorgeous! I felt so lucky to be there for such a special occasion. The weather couldn't have cooperated any better either. It was the dream wedding.

Plus, I got to see more of my favorite ladies while I was there! Ashley, Dari, Brooke, Leslie, Me, and Amanda. We go way too long in between seeing each other. Kind of hard though when we are scattered across the country.

After staying in Vegas for a few days, we came home (Utah home). I stayed with my parents for the week. I found these cute dresses for the girls to wear for Josh's reception. They were so adorable in them! Chloe really did like it, she just doesn't like pictures.

It was so good to go see Grandma Carolyn too! We got to see the Marziale cousins, Aunt Kacy, and Uncle Garrett. It was a really busy week! Scarlet stew?

Josh and Megan got married in a beautiful little church in Hawaii. Thankfully for the technology of a webcam, I got to witness their union. It was excellent! Since all of our friends and family couldn't go to Hawaii, they did a reception in Utah. At the end of the week, I got to help with Josh's reception. I had been making pumpkin spice trifles, and little cheesecakes all day the day before the reception. Here's the amazing spread thanks to the hard work of my mom, Megan, Megan's mom, Megan's sister-in-law, Cecelia.... the list goes on and on. We couldn't have done it without all of the help we had. It turned out to be absolutely beautiful!

Pumpkin rolls, trifle, assorted breads...

Apples, cream puffs, cheesecakes...

Pumpkin spice trifle, caramel apples...

Water, hot chocolate, cider...

We had such a great time in Utah! Sadly, I was really happy to come back to the 80+ degree weather in California and my own bed. Not to mention, I really missed Bella while I was gone. Getting home came with it's own set of problems though. Our flight from SLC to Long Beach was delayed 4 hours! Yep, awesome. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. so I could make it on my 10:30 a.m. flight. Scarlet thankfully fell asleep in her daddy's arms on the plane and stayed asleep all the way until we got home, plus an hour longer. She was pooped!

The center pieces.... SO CUTE!

Baby Layla's Siblings

2011-10-18T22:34:00.003-06:00

My name is Vanessa Pollard and my husband is Steven. We have 4 children: Adam, Cayla, Marley and Layla. Layla is our only child we get to raise today, but one day we will be united as a family.

We got married in 2002 and started trying to have a family a year later. We struggled for over a year to get pregnant and eventually did. I would miscarry that baby at 9 weeks. We switched doctors, made some better choices with my health and after just one round of injectable medications we found ourselves pregnant again. We went in at 6.5 weeks to find out once again I would miscarry. After almost 2 years of infertility treatments you just think that is the worst pain and the feelings of guilt, jealousy and loss grew and grew.

On our 2nd attempt at infertility treatments with injectable medications we found out that we were pregnant. Due to testing after the 2nd miscarriage we knew I had a few blood disorders and I began taking 4 shots a day to prevent my blood from clotting and to keep my progesterone levels up. My first ultrasound at 6 weeks was perfect. it was the first time we had ever seen one of our baby's heart beat. We began to see my OBGYN and everything was progressing nicely and from 6-18 weeks I really loved every minute.

On December 17th, 2007 my 18 week ultrasound was scheduled to check the health and sex of the baby later that afternoon. I woke up to some back pains, but knew that was totally something I would have to get used to. I went into work and within an hour of being there I knew something just didn't seem right. I went to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding. I called the doctor and they told me to come in ASAP. After meeting up with my husband on the way to the doctor's office I became extremely worried. I had never heard of anything like this happening to anyone I knew. After being taken right back and undressing my doctor came in and examined me. She informed me of a condition called an incompetent cervix. She explained that our baby was protruding in its amniotic sac past my cervix. She speculated I was 3 cm dilated. We were numb. They sent me up to the local hospital to be admitted and see a specialist. After being registered, checked in and placed with my head down with some hope gravity would move the baby back into my uterus I went in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a happy, healthy 18 week 2 day old baby who just happened to be in the worst position possible. The prognosis was not good, but the doctor seemed as positive as he could be. They put me on medication to lower the level of amniotic fluid and hopefully make it so they could sew my cervix shut with a "cerclage". I was admitted to the hospital at 1:10 pm and at 12:10 am on December 18th, 2007 I rolled over in my sleep and my water broke. 5 short minutes later my world came crashing down with the birth of my baby boy, Adam Paul Pollard.

We were beyond devastated. We had no clue what to feel, what to think about, how to act with family and friends. The hospital was amazing and after talking to angel moms as much as I have, I learned that not everyone gets the attention and care that I did. My doctor encouraged me to hold him and love him and make what few memories I could in his short time on earth. I didn't want to at first, but I am so happy the nurse and doctor pushed me to do it. He was tiny and very fragile, but I loved him and kissed him and whispered what I wanted him to take with him in his ear. My husband's family lived within a 20 minute drive and they came and saw him and held him and began the grieving with us. My family lived almost an hour away and wouldn't be able to make it until morning. I wish they had made the drive. I wish they could have seen him when he was still warm, still pliable. They saw him after he had been in the morgue, he was ice cold and almost ashy colored. I think it freaked my dad out more than anything. After he was born and I got 30 minutes with him I had to have a D&C to clear the placenta out of my uterus. I don't remember anything. I sit here today and wondered how horrible that must have been for Steven. We had just gone through the ultimate horror of the birth and death of our son and he was left all alone in the room not knowing if I would even come back. The next 3 days after that were horrible. Horrible is actually putting it lightly. We made the decision to bury him and do a small grave side service for family and friends. I remember counting the very small number of people who saw him living, after he was dead and after he had been to the mortuary. There were only 8 people who actually saw him. I kept thinking no one is even going to believe he existed. No one is even going to believe he was here. I would cry myself to sleep, I would sit staring off into space for very long periods of time. The world kept going and my world had stopped. Christmas was a week later and that still stings a little. It is still hard to put those two holidays so closely together.
Over time it got easier to go to the grocery store, to do the everyday things again. I of course wanted to talk about it and Adam all the time. Steven didn't and everyone around me tried to understand my need to make him exist even though they never knew how much that was all I wanted. Four months later we were back at my infertility doctor's office getting a consult. He and my doctor fully supported the diagnosis of an incompetent cervix and wanted me to consult with a high risk doctor before conceiving. I saw a doctor for a consult and he gave me a little faith that everything would work out if I could just get pregnant with one baby and get a stitch (Cerlcage) placed early enough in pregnancy to give a baby a chance and to fully develop. We did one infertility treatment and were pregnant 3 weeks later.

6 weeks in we found out it was twins. My doctor was scared, but hopeful still. The one thing they didn't want is more than one baby in me and that is what they got. They were fraternal twins and we were lucky we didn't have to have even more issues with an identical twin pregnancy. 8 weeks in I was spotting and diagnosed with a placental previa on twin A and I was put on bed rest. 2 weeks after that I went into surgery to get the stitch placed and we were hopeful once again. A week later we saw that my cervix was starting to shorten and open. We watched it for the next 6 weeks get worse and worse. At exactly 18 weeks I had a doctor's appointment and I was excited to see what pregnancy was going to be like after that point since that was the farthest I had ever gone. I never got off the table. They transferred me to labor and delivery on a gurney for another stitch to be placed because the first one was not doing it's job. I would end up spending 4 weeks in the post partum part of the hospital on bed rest. Every day was a miracle I made it to the next. I feel fortunate that I had already had the experiences with my last pregnancy. I was a little bit more aware of the realities of premature births and babies. I was aware things didn't always work out the way we wanted them to. It tried my best to be positive, but things were always pointing to a very very long road for me and for the babies. I loved laying there and feeling them and getting to know their personalities. I loved calling them by name and singing them songs and telling them stories about us. I tried to stay positive. I tried.

On Sunday, September 20th, 2008 I had just had visitors leave when I got up to use the bathroom and my water broke. After, I was moved downstairs to labor and delivery and put on monitors as they prepared us for the worst. There were never any signs of labor at this point, but they started me on all types of drugs. The next 3 days were filled with neonatologists and "what-if" scenarios. They told me heroic stories about women whose water broke, but they managed to carry the baby another 3 months, etc. I tried to be hopeful, but I am a mom and I knew it was going to be a rough On Thursday, September 24th Cayla (baby A) couldn't handle staying in there any longer and delivered past the two stitches placed for her to stay in. Nine hours later and on Friday, September 25th Marley was born.

We knew quickly after seeing them that they would not have the opportunity to be helped by the medical staff and we decided we wanted our girls with us the entire time they were alive. From our experience with Adam we knew what to expect and how to handle everything. We invited all of our families in and even some friends. It was sacred. Humbling to feel the love that 2 small 14 and 15 oz babies could bring the heart to feel.

I continue to try to explain in words how sacred of an experience it was. I try to help people understand how much different losing the girls was. Adam was always a hero to me. He came so I could find out that my body was not strong enough. I always kept his "sacrifice" as a positive, not a negative. The girls were different. I knew them, their personalities, their spunk. I was broken. Shattered. I didn't want to wake up or eat or drink. I didn't want to talk to anyone like I did before. I just wanted my babies back. Sometimes I wonder if I am even healed now.

Two years later and a gorgeous baby girl with me everyday and I still don't think I am healed. I have tried to be an advocate for angel moms and I have tried to be there to answer all the questions they have when they are going through or are going through such unrelateable losses. Everyone loses a grand parent or older family member or friend. Some have the horrible experience of losing a child to a terminal illness or an accident. Somehow people can relate better to a person that made memories and lived a "full" life. Talking about the passing of a baby is never easy for anyone, but I always tell people that the only thing I ever wanted to do was talk about my kids because they existed and to not treat them like they didn't.

Layla came along December 4, 2010, just 14 months after her sisters. She was a month early and tiny as a button. They performed a procedure on me around 10 weeks where they did a c-section incision, pulled my uterus to the surface of my abdomen and placed a stitch in the bottom of my uterus. It is a radical procedure that only few doctors in the world do. My sweet Doctor is one of them. He and his partner took care of my every need. They saw me weekly and watched my cervix shorten, but never disappear thanks to the stitch. They were there the day the c-section was performed and a beautiful little blonde haired and blue eyed beauty snatched a hold of all our hearts and I can never repay them.

Some people think that you are healed when the joy of a living child comes into your life. I always say I am eternally empty for the loss of my child, but what hurts even more is the pain I feel for the loss of opportunity to raise them. We don't have the opportunity to pick out a prom dress, braid their golden locks, watch him play football with his dad or show them all the things your life has taught you. A loss of opportunity is the loss of a child.

Layla has my heart, but she doesn't fill the holes left in it. That is not her purpose.

To my sweet hero Adam, my girly girl Cayla and my spit-fire Marley I am eternally your momma.

Story provided by: Vanessa Pollard

Baby Addison

2011-10-17T16:57:00.003-06:00

My name is Casie and my wonderful husband is Zac. We had our first daughter, Avery in 2005. We decided when she was 18months old that we wanted to have another baby. We got pregnant right away, we were so excited when we went to my 20 week appointment and found out we were expecting another girl. I knew her name was to be Addison. I said from that point on that Avery was our "Princess" and Addison was our "Angel". Addi looked perfect in the ultrasound and we got her nursery finshed soon after. The pregnancy was without complication and i felt really good. I went to my 33 week appointment and i was told everything was ok. My Husband, Daughter and I, along with my Dad, younger Sister and Brother went to Colorado Springs to visit my Aunt for Christmas. I felt huge pregnant but i felt fine. The night of Dec 15th, Zac and I stayed up laying in bed because Addi was kicking around even more then normal and it was so cool to see her moving my belly around and to see little kicks from her tiny feet. I woke up the next morning on Dec 16th to head home and I did not feel well at all! I had a headache and nausea and i just wanted to go home. We packed up said our good-bye's and headed out for our long drive home. We stopped in Grand Junction, CO for lunch and gas. I was having quite a bit of braxton hicks at that point and was still not feeling well. Addi was still moving around and i kept thinking i want to lay down on my couch a do nothing. After we ate and got back on the road i was getting worse. I was thinking to my nieve self ,"Everythings going to be fine. Im just over reacting". Around 2:30pm i was in ALOT of pain. Zac was driving really fast trying to find a hospital but we were in the middle of nowhere. I was screaming in pain, Zac and driving like a mad man trying to get me somewhere, while my daughter was in the back seat crying wondering why i was crying. By the grace of God, there was a Highway Patrol on the side of the road. He called a ambulance to meet us at the Moab Airport. We followed the officer and i was put into the ambulance and was taken to the hospital. I was begging for pain medication but they couldn't give me anything until they knew what was wrong. I was still thinking to myself that i was over reacting. A lady comes in a puts a doppler on my belly and there was no sound, I got very nervous but i wouldn't let myself think that this was real. They bring in a old ultrasound machine and it was right over her heart that was no longer beating. I couldn't understand what was happening, I was just watching her kick my belly and now she's gone! My heart shattered in a million pieces. We decided to do a repeat c-section and i remember them waking me up and telling me that they are giving me blood transfusions. Addison had passed away in result of a placental abruption. I was told if i didn't get to the hospital when i did i would have bled to death within 5 mins. I was able to hold my beautiful angel, but i don't remember alot. I was life flighted to IMC in Murray as my family drove with my 1year old home. I was in Shock Trama ICU for a week and recieved MANY blood transfusions. We were able to get beautiful pictures from NILMDTS. Addison was born Dec16, 2007 at 5:00pm. She weighted 4lbs 4oz and was 14inches long. She was beautiful just like her big sister. We miss her more then words can express and we can't wait to hold her in our arms again.

Story provided by: Casie Johnson

Baby Nicholas

2011-10-12T22:28:00.004-06:00

My name is Sara Storms. My husband, Sean and I were married on June 8, 2001. We were both in school, but after just a couple months, we knew we wanted to have a baby. It didn't take long to get pregnant, and we were so excited! I was due June 23, 2002. Everything checked out well when we had the 20 week ultrasound and we were ecstatic to learn we were having a BOY! (I grew up in a family of 8 girls and 1 boy, and all grand babies at that point had been girls: 4 and 1 on the way!) Everything seemed to progressing well, although I tended to measure a little big, but the doctor was never concerned. We chose to name him Nicholas, after my husband's middle name.

When I was 32 weeks, I started to have contractions. I tried to take it easy, but they weren't slowing down, so we went to the hospital. They gave me fluids and a shot to slow down the contractions. They hooked my belly up to the heart monitor and Nicholas was doing fine. At that point, I wasn't dilating or thinning, so things were looking good. They kept me for a while, and once my contractions seemed to be gone, they released me from the hospital. The next day or so, I continued to have contractions, but I took it easy, and they went away.

About a week later, on the evening of May 3, I started to have contractions again. Again, I took it easy, and slept through the night, but when I went to the bathroom the next morning, there was blood. So, Sean and I headed to the hospital. My doctor came to check me and I was dilated to a 3 and about 70-75% effaced. They kept me in the hospital for about 24 hours. I was on an IV for fluids, antibiotic for Group B Strep, and I was attached to the fetal monitoring machine. They were also giving me terbutaline to stop the contractions. Everything seemed to be going okay, and there were no concerns with the health of Nicholas. I was released for the hospital on Sunday morning and put on strict bed rest. And the doctor wanted to see me on Wednesday morning to see how everything was going.

I remembered commenting to my husband Sunday evening that Nicholas wasn't very active, but I didn't put much more thought into it. I took my strict bed rest seriously and took it easy. Wednesday came around and I hadn't been having contractions. I was also taking terbutaline every 4 hours to keep the contractions away. Sean and I went to the doctors office. I am so thankful that Sean was able to be there with me! The doctor was listening for the heart beat, but heard nothing. I started to feel nervous, but it still hadn't hit me that it was a possibility that my baby could have died. We even had a tape to record the ultrasound; if they happened to do one. Since he couldn't find the heart beat, he did take me in for an ultrasound. I handed him the tape, but he didn't put it in. We could see on the screen that there was no movement in my belly, and there was no heartbeat. The doctor told us that our baby had passed away. I was shocked; in disbelief. How could this happen?

The doctor sent us to the hospital to deliver Nicholas. I was dilated to about a 5 or 6 and 100% effaced. But, they still started me on pitocin. I got an epidural, but I was still in a lot of pain. It was so hard to think that I had to go through all this pain and I wouldn't get to have a healthy baby boy, alive, in the end. I got to the hospital about 10am. I was fully dilated and ready to push about 12:30pm. And after 3 hours of pushing, my sweet baby boy was born still. Words cannot express how thankful I was for the hospital staff. They took care of the necessities, and then they left Sean and me alone with Nicholas. They were kind enough to take some Polariod pictures; which I treasure. My parents arrived about 10 or 15 minutes after Nicholas was born. It was a very sweet time, and the Spirit was so strong.

The doctor did comment that he believed Nicholas had died at least 24 hours prior because his skin tore a little bit while they were cleaning him off. It is hard to think of the what ifs, but I have taken great comfort in my testimony. I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father, and I am humbled to be chosen to be the mother of such a perfect spirit that only needed to come to Earth to get a body. I know I will see my baby boy Nicholas, again.

We buried Nicholas in Utah. There was room for his small casket to be buried near where my Grandpa was already buried and where my Grandma would be buried several years later. My husband also comes from a family of 9 children, and we were blessed to have everyone in our families, plus more relatives and friends come to a memorial and a graveside service.

A few weeks after Nicholas was stillborn, we got some results back. We were told that Nicholas had Down Syndrome. The doctors believe that is why he passed away; some complication due to Down Syndrome. Somehow, having a reason did seem to help. We are coming up on 10 years since Nicholas was born. It is so hard to believe that it has been so long, but the memories, some days, feel so fresh.

We have since been blessed with 4 healthy children; 3 boys and 1 girl. Each year we celebrate Nicholas' birthday by sending balloons with messages to heaven. It is a tradition that my children love.

Story provided by: Sara Storms

Baby Jocelyn

2011-10-10T19:58:00.002-06:00

This is Baby Jocelyn's story. Though I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting her mother, Heidi, face to face yet, I hope to some day soon! Jocelyn is one beautiful baby! Thank you so much for sharing her story, Heidi!

Jocelyn’s arrival into this world:

Friday January 15th,2010, 2 days from Jocelyn's due date and four days from her scheduled delivery, started as any other day for John and I. Get up feed the kids, get dressed, John off to work and meet my mom at noon. But during that time I was having contractions, not too painful or concerned. As the day went on I realized late afternoon early evening that I was in the beginning stages of labor as I was having contractions every 30 minutes. I also realized that I had not felt Jocelyn move since lunch time. I shared my concern with John who asked if I wanted to call the doctor. I told him "Not yet let's and wait see what happens after the boys are in bed when she is at her most active time zone". That time went and passed without her making a move I also was now having contractions every 15 minutes. At this point I knew something was not right. I took a bath which always gets her moving and still nothing. That is when I told John I was going up to the hospital to make sure everything was ok and that I would call once I got there.

I prayed all the way to the hospital that everything would be ok, while feeling that my contractions were still consistent at 15 minutes apart, which had me concerned because she was in a breech position. Once I got there they had me undress and get settled into a bed where they hooked me up to a monitor to hear the heart beat. When the nurse could not find Jocelyn's heart beat my heart sank. In my head I was thinking there has to be a mistake and she is going to be just fine. I prayed again in my heart that this is not happening and this was not happening. That is when they ordered an ultrasound to see what was really going on. Time seemed to pass very slowly. I called John to advise him that my parents are on their way to watch the kids so he could come be with me. Shortly after that my doctor came in with the ultra sound machine. He said he was at the movies and left when he got the message that I was at the hospital and why I was there. I was thankful and grateful to see him because I felt he would tell me that our baby girl was just fine. I watched on the monitor saw her little ribs where her heart should have been beating and was not. I went numb thinking this is not happening I just felt her eight hours earlier how could she be gone. I handed my cell to my doctor to have him call John because I could not. That is when parts of reality sat in and the tears began to flow.

John arrived and came to my side so our doctor could go over what our options were about delivering our sweet little girl whose heart was no longer beating. At first I was like just knock me out and do a c-section, but after some long discussion with our doctor. And praying with John, my mother, my brother Sean and his wife Natalie we chose to deliver her vaginally, which I knew would be no easy task because I am not able to have an epidural.

Jocelyn then arrived into this world asleep January 16th, 2010 at 10:37am. The nurse swaddled her up and gave her to me to hold and love. She was beautiful! That is when the nurse said that a woman from Now Lay Me Down To Sleep was coming to take pictures of our princess. At 1st I was unsure of someone I did not know to come and take pictures and if that was normal. But when she arrived and shared a little about what she does and how it works I quickly became grateful to her. She took Jocelyn to get cleaned up and dressed in a precious white dress that the photographer brought in and gave to us along with a mommy and me bracelet. When she returned with Jocelyn she began taking photos of us and our Jocelyn. She said that it will take a few weeks to have them ready and would be mailed to us, but could have a few ready for our graveside service if we wished.

A few days later I got an e-mail with two of the photos and was just so amazed how well she captured our little Jocelyn. I am so glad and grateful that I have these even when I was unsure and overwhelmed at everything going on. I hope and pray that expecting parents have to never go through this, but life as we know will happen and what these volunteer photographers do for grieving parents is something that they would not have other wise. I will be forever grateful to them and want to share what they do with others, so that they may continue to make these precious moments happen for families that are suffering from a the loss of a child. They have given me peace and have helped my three boys to know that their sister is real and will forever be a part of our family.

The Moments after Jocelyn’s arrival in this world:

As Jocelyn was put into my arms for the 1st time I could not believe how beautiful she was and how much she looked like her brother Joseph. I did not want to let her go as I kissed her little head and cried that I would not be taking her home to share with everyone. There were going to be no late night feedings, cute little dresses, and brothers fighting over her. I felt all my dreams for her shatter to thousands of little pieces. So I chose to live in that moment as though she were just sleeping and would wake soon to be fed.

During those moments after her birth were also very sacred. I cannot describe it, except for it was the closest I have ever felt to being in Heaven. The vial is much thinner then I have ever known. I knew her little spirit was near and that she was with us sharing her love and gratitude for John and I. I in turn was also filled with joy knowing that she is our daughter and that I will get to hold her again and that is a the gift I will hold in my heart until that day comes. I know she is special and that lord needed her back, for he has greater plans for her. So this moment in time is just a small moment compared to the eternities and what is to come in the life after this. That is when I knew I had to survive and hold my head high for Jocelyn. I know this task will not be easy, but with God at my side and Jocelyn checking in with us we can endure and with time be able to heal.

How the day was spent following Jocelyn’s birth:

The day was spent with family and friends coming and going. Which at first I was not sure I wanted anyone to come, because I was so overwhelmed of how my left was and has changed forever. I was in awe of the love people have for John and I. We will be forever grateful to all those who came to support us and no words can even begin to say how we feel for everyone.

I was grateful that the boys were able to come up and see their sister. At 1st John and I were not sure if it would be the right thing to do, but I know that it was the right thing. When they came into the room I was so glad that I am their mother and they are my boys and that I do have them to go home to. I am not sure I would be able to make it through if I did not have my boys to keep me moving forward.

The 1st thing Jarren asked when he came into the room was “Can I hold my sister?” He was so excited to have a sister and I know that it was hard for him to sit there and hold her. I know it was a healing moment for him to be there with her and to know that she is still his sister. Jarren has been so strong and loves his siblings so much. He asks all the time if she can be is guardian angle? I tell him yes and to never forget her.

Jacob and Joseph were quiet and timid, but looked upon their sister with great love and sadness. As they get older I know they will come to understand more and know that their sister is with them

Story provided by: Heidi Files

Disneyland Take 2

2011-10-08T22:08:00.002-06:00

It was time to visit Disneyland again since it had already been two weeks. Seriously, who waits that long to go back to Disneyland. Thankfully Ryan had a day off so we thought it would be fun to take a family trip. I had to start off by getting the kids their Mickey Mouse ears. It's just not Disneyland without them. I know Kingston has been wanting some really bad anyway, so I caved in and bought them.... names embroidered and everything! SO CUTE. This is Scarlet wearing Kingston's ears. She does have some of her own. They're pink and super adorable. She would wear them for a few minutes and then decide she needed to inspect them. This would include pulling them off her head, spinning them around in her hands, and then lovingly toss them aside. We also had her try on Alice in Wonderland accessories. As you can tell, she was thrilled. We're so glad Ryan got to spend the day with us! We had a blast!

Is that really?

2011-10-08T22:05:00.003-06:00

Yes, those are really pigtails! I'm deeply in love with them too. It was a bit of a stretch, but after lots of hairspray and Yo Gabba Gabba, I got the little piggies. Sadly, they met their demise once we got in the car and she got tired. Apparently she likes to play with her hair when she falls asleep. At least they lasted 10 minutes as the cutest little pigtails in the world!

Babies Isaac and Evan

2011-10-07T09:56:00.004-06:00

We had just celebrated our daughter's first birthday when we decided that we wanted to have another baby. Our older son and daughter are 3 years apart and we wanted our next kids to be a little closer together. Plus, our daughter already loved babies so much that we knew she would be great with a baby in the house.

In January, we got a positive pregnancy test and were so excited that all was going according to plan. I anxiously made it through the first trimester. I had had a miscarriage at 10 weeks between my 2 kids, so I felt like nothing is really sure until after the first trimester.

I was so sick this pregnancy compared to my others. I was just nauseous all the time, but figured that my morning sickness was just getting worse with each pregnancy.

I had my first comment on my baby bump at 13 weeks and I was surprised that anyone had even noticed! We ended up telling our family a few days later. When I had made my daughter's birth announcement I had put her birth date as September 16, 2009, instead of November 16, 2009. To announce our newest pregnancy, I replaced her picture with a family picture, crossed out the 2009 and added 2011 and replaced her name with “Baby #3”. We told everyone that we had just gotten the year wrong. It was really fun to have people look at it and try to figure it out and then see if finally click.

After we told our 4 year old son, I kept asking him if he thought we were going to have a sister or a brother. He immediately told me that he was going to have TWO brothers. He was quite insistent on it and would tell people that asked him that he was going to have two brothers. I would then jump in and say that we were just having one and we don't know if it's a boy or a girl. We were planning on waiting until birth to find out the gender since it didn't really matter what we were having.

At around 14 weeks I experienced a ton of bleeding. Of course it was on a weekend, but I had just heard the baby's heartbeat at my midwife's appointment that day. I rested all weekend and went in to see the midwife on Monday to see if there was a heartbeat. Thankfully there was!

My midwife said that I had likely experienced a subchorionic hemorrhage. She said they were common and that things were fine most of the time and to “take it easy”.

I decided that I would try to stay in bed for at least a week and do very minimal stuff. Doing so seemed to stop all the remaining spotting I had and I thought that I was okay being up as long as I wasn't doing much. This is easier said than done when you have a 16 month old that you have to lift into/out of the car/high chair/shopping cart etc. and carry into stores. I didn't think that doing that much lifting would be a big deal and I did try to minimize the lifting/carrying as much as possible.

About 2 weeks after my initial bleeding episode without any bleeding I decided that I may be okay to go out to some furniture stores to look for a sectional for our newly completed basement. I could walk slow, we could have the salesmen take us directly to the sectionals so we wouldn't be wandering, and I would be doing a LOT of sitting. We ended up doing that all day and by the end I was really worn out. I had another bleeding episode and went back to laying around a LOT. I had continued spotting for 2-3 weeks and got an ultrasound scheduled so that we could see exactly what was going on. I wish that I hadn't put off an ultrasound for so long, but I was thinking the whole time that it wasn't that big of a deal.

At 18 weeks, we went in for our ultrasound. We took our 4 year old with us because we thought that he would enjoy it. We got in the room and the tech started the ultrasound. Within in a minute the tech stopped on 2 pulsing things. I was about to ask if one was the heart and one was the brain (haha!) when the ultrasound tech stopped and said, “you guys.... do you see that? That's two heartbeats! You're having twins!”

We were in absolute shock! We had had no suspicions. I had gained only a tiny bit more weight than normal and my belly measurements were always right on. I was a little bigger, but I chalked it up to being my 3rd pregnancy. Seeing those two heartbeats was the most thrilling and wonderful moment of our lives. Having Alex there with us was so fun! He was so into it and laughing. We kept saying, “two babies!?! Twins!?! Whoa!”. Alex really was having 2 brothers.

When the tech came back in the room we told her that twins was surprise enough for us and that we wanted to know their genders. They were both boys and as there was only one placenta (two separate sacks) so the chance of them being identical was high.

After the ultrasound I immediately called my sister and asked if she wanted to go to lunch. At lunch we pulled out our ultrasound pictures and watched her figure it out. When she asked twins we had Alex chime in with, “two brothers!” She was so excited for us! Her husband is an identical twin, so she called to tell him and he was thrilled as well.

After that we went to my parent's house and did the same thing. Then my grandparent's house. Then on Sunday we did the same for my husband Jon's family. We filmed each one and it was so fun! Everyone could hardly believe that we were having twins. WE could hardly believe that we were having twins. Our heads were spinning for a few days as we thought about if we wanted a van that would seat 8 and that we needed to return the stroller that had just come a week or two before since it wouldn't work great for twins. I thought about car seats, beds, baby gear, nursing, sleeping, going places, room situations, etc. All the baby stuff that you have to reevaluate when you are having 2 instead of one. I loved that I would get to experience a whole new kind of pregnancy and childhood experience. Within a day the shock wore off and we couldn't have been more excited to be having twins.

We told our families that we were thinking about just having 3 kids, but this decided 4 for us and it was definitely going to be our last! I couldn't think of a better note to end on. I had always wanted all boys and a girl and the thought of twin boys sounded perfect to me.

I had to change providers as my midwives at a freestanding birthing center could not deliver twins there. I didn't get a chance to call and set up anything before the end of the day on Friday after our ultrasound and was planning on calling on Monday.

On Sunday, I had some bleeding and passed some clots. We went into the hospital where they were able to locate both babies’ heartbeats. They said that everything appeared fine, but to get into my OB on Monday and see if the can do an ultrasound to evaluate things a little better.

I was able to get in on Monday to see the midwife there. She had the OB pop in to do an ultrasound and he saw a subchorionic hematoma and was very unconcerned about it. He said they happen all the time, are usually fine, and that I would probably see clots. He said to take it easy, but bedrest wasn't necessary.

I went away feeling good about things and excited that my doctor was supportive of natural labor with twins and that I could go until 40 weeks if I wanted. The next day I passed a couple more clots, but since my OB had told me it was normal I tried not to think too much of it.

Late Thursday night I started to feel some contractions. I drank a glass of water and laid down to go to sleep. At about 4 am the contractions woke me up and we decided to go to the hospital. I was 19 weeks and 6 days.

Contractions don't really bother me until the end, so I was fairly calm and collected at the hospital. I figured that they'd check things out and give me something that would stop the labor. They gave me a couple of shots of terbutaline that made my heart race, but slowed the contractions down. They sent me home after a few hours with the instructions to drink a lot and lay in bed and come back if the contractions picked up.

After about 4 hours at home the contractions picked up, so back to the hospital we went. More terbutaline, but this time the contractions only slowed for a bit and then picked back up. It was then that I realized that this may not go well. Being only 19 weeks and 6 days, my OB consulted with a maternal fetal specialist who said absolutely no magnesium sulfate before 22 weeks. I was contracting every 2 minutes, but was not dilating. They didn't know what was going on and didn't feel like there was anything that could be done. In those moments I wanted to scream to have everything possible be done that something was causing these contractions and that they could be stopped at least for a few weeks and everything could be okay! I was a day shy of 20 weeks! Certainly SOMETHING could be done! They stop labor all the time!

It is likely that the cause of the contractions was the blood from the subchorionic hematoma/hemorrhage irritating my uterus enough to cause preterm labor. My OB never warned me about watching for preterm labor and how to prevent it. I had 2 factors that made me high risk (SCH and twins), and yet all I was told was that it wasn't a big deal and to take it easy. On top of that, one of the first things done for preterm labor is fluids and I was never given fluids on my first trip to the hospital.

Obviously, my contractions were never able to be stopped. They were going to send me home with Lortab for the pain since I wasn't dilating. I almost cried at that point because I was in pain every 2 minutes. They gave the Lortab an hour and it wasn't even touching the pain. As I was trying to get up between contractions to get dressed to go home, the contractions picked up even more. They checked and found I was dilating at that point after having contractions for about 15 hours. We called our family in tears telling them that I was going to be delivering our boys within the hour and that they should come to the hospital to see them. It was truly one of the most hearbreaking moments of my life to hear my husband sobbing as he told our parents.

Isaac was born at 4:58pm and Evan followed 2 minutes later at 5:00pm on April 28th, 2011.

They were absolutely perfect and identical. I looked at them and they looked just like my other babies. They had little eyebrows that were growing in and teeny tiny nails on their tiny fingers and toes. When Evan was handed to me, I could see his little heart beating and saw him take a breath. I held each one of my boys in each of my hands and just marveled at how miraculous they were. How amazing it was that there were 2 babies inside me. I wept with absolute sadness over what I was now going to be missing for the rest of my life.

I wish every day that something could have been done to give my boys a few more weeks safely inside me. Or that it had happened 1-2 weeks later when more would have been done to stop my labor. I constantly wonder if things would have gone differently if we would have gone directly to the bigger more experienced hospital instead of our local one. It is so hard to not think of all the what if's and should have's.

Losing our twins and our one chance for twins in this lifetime has been absolutely devastating for us. It has been almost 6 months and I still cry almost every day. It's hard not to be angry about what happened. Beyond losing two babies, we lost an opportunity that we were lucky to even get in the first place. Getting pregnant with twins again only happens to 1 in 70,000. Our chances of twins before were 1 in 250.

I hope to find peace one day but there is so much beyond the loss of two lives that I have to find peace with. I am still in the midst of the nightmare that my life has become. I'm confident that I won't always feel this way, but healing from the experience of losing a baby... of losing twins... takes a long time. It's likely that the pain of losing them will always be lurking just under the surface, hidden by the daily routines of life, just waiting for a trigger to send me into tears and heartache all over again. How you ever stop being sad over such a loss is still incomprehensible to me. There will always be a huge piece of our family missing. Isaac and Evan would have been born sometime in the first couple of weeks of September if things would have gone differently. We miss them every day and wish that they could be here with us.

Baby Chloe

2011-10-06T13:37:00.008-06:00

This is one story that always breaks my heart. I can't even imagine going through what Adam and Camille have gone through. They have shown great strentgh and love. I'm so grateful to know Camille. I'm not sure the circumstances that brought us together were ideal, but she is one amazing woman who has definitely made an impact on my life! Thank you so much for sharing Chloe with me!

My name is Camille, my husband is Adam. We got married on September 30, 2000… we decided to try to have children right away. It has always been my dream to be a mom, and I couldn’t wait! Unfortunately due to infertility, we were unable to get pregnant, despite a lot of testing, treatments and procedures.. everything failed and we were left with empty arms and broken hearts.

In October 2009, we received a phone call that changed our lives forever. We were given the chance to adopt a baby (due in February 2010). Of course we jumped at the opportunity. On December 18, 2009 we received the most amazing Christmas gift. It was an u/s picture of our baby GIRL!! They were so sweet to surprise us; I still say that was the best Christmas present EVER!

We were surprised in other ways too, this was the birth mom’s (BM’s) first u/s at 32 weeks and we found out that the baby had clubbed feet, as well as some other worrisome characteristics to her profile. The BM went back in to the specialist at 35 weeks, and we got called to the hospital. There was definitely something wrong with the baby, her hips were displaced and so her legs were laying flat against her body with her feet by her chin and she had clenched fists. At this time, the doctors weren’t sure how serious her condition would be but they were hoping it was just something muscle related and with physical therapy she would be great. We never waivered our love for this baby, nothing the doctors could have said would make us change our mind. She was OUR baby; we were already head over heels in love with her. But this news was shocking, after a lot of tears and tons of prayers we were back, strong as ever. Willing to do whatever we had to do, to make her life the best it could be.

Chloe was born at 37 weeks, on January 12, 2010, weighing in at 4 lbs, 6.5 oz. and as beautiful as can be! It was love at first sight… she made everything that we had gone through with our infertility, all of the tests, all of the treatments and procedures, all of the injections and drugs, and all of the tears that we shed, she made it all worth it! I would do everything over and over again just to see her, my precious baby girl. She was everything I have always dreamed of.

The first 2 days were absolutely bliss, mostly because the BM hadn’t signed over her rights and the doctors weren’t exactly telling us everything they knew. We knew that Chloe had problems with her legs and that her feet were clubbed and would probably need surgery. But her brain, her heart, and all of her other organs (though a tiny bit underdeveloped) were normal and functioning. What we didn’t know, that we found out on day three, was that Chloe was born with two severe muscle conditions. One condition effected her outside muscles (arms, legs, eyes, etc.), while the other one effected her inside muscles (her swallowing, breathing, etc.), and with both combined conditions she was now considered ‘incompatible with life’, she would never be able to breath without the help of a ventilator.

Chloe was such a strong little girl; she had such a fight for life. There wasn’t much we could do, but love her and that we did. On January 19, 2010, the BM finally signed over her rights and we got custody. We took the day celebrating our official day of being parents, as we knew the next day would be one of the hardest days of our lives, and it really was. On January 20, 2010, we turned off life support; Chloe took her last precious breath in my arms and the last beat of her tiny heart in her daddy’s arms. A piece of my heart stopped beating along with hers. I miss her so much, every single day. I don’t think our lives will ever be the same, I guess in some ways I don’t want it to be how it used to be. We are so blessed to have Chloe in our lives and as our eternal daughter, and we are so honored that we were chosen to be her parents.

The first time we got to see Chloe... which doesn't really count, because you can't see her. It was pure torture for the 45 minutes we waited out side of this window, to know OUR baby was finally here... after so long!!

This is my hand, the first time I saw her and touched her. I can NOT explain that feeling! Love at first sight, it took literally 10 seconds for me to fall head over hills, madly, hopelessly in love with her.

It's hard to choose favorites when it comes to pictures... because they are all so priceless... But this is one of my favorites.. I love seeing Adam’s big strong hands cradling here teeny tiny hand.

My brother gave the most amazing family prayer… after this, we sent the family out and Adam and I spent alone time holding Chloe, before we turned off the life support.

Adam and his princess... I love this picture. I love all the pictures with him and her together! He is the BEST dad...

The hospital gave us this hat... I LOVE it!!!! I kept the hat and keep it in her memory box. I am thankful to have it. Love this picture!!

Her coming home outfit...

Getting ready to say goodbye forever....

Me walking to meet the nurse to take Chloe... . Besides actually turning off the machines and not being able to do anything to save her as she laid dying in our arms. This was the HARDEST thing to do! I didn't want to let her go!!

Story provided by: Camille Millett

Baby Gabe

2011-10-05T23:20:00.003-06:00

I'm so excited for the opportunity to share with you the lives of some very important people. These are the stories of our angel babies and the impacts they have made on the world.

Gabe's mom, Cyndi, is somebody who I love dearly. She delivered just one day after me, but we did not meet until January 2011. I will be eternally grateful that God sent her to help me through this.

My husband, Ben, and I have always wanted a lot of kids and have been so thankful for the Chance to be parents, especially after struggling with infertility before we had any. We knew for sure that we always wanted to have at least four, but were always open to more. After being blessed with our first four, two boys and two girls, we really felt like we were meant to have another. We prayed about it and knew it was right and on May 3, 2010 when our pregnancy test was positive after trying to conceive for only a month, we were so excited. We felt so blessed for the chance to be parents again to another precious child.

We always wait until the first trimester is over to spread the news, just in case, although we’d never had any real problems with any of our pregnancies. Our baby was due on January 7, 2011 so we told our kids that we had an early Christmas present for them. They opened up a box wrapped in Christmas paper to show a balloon with an expecting mom on it. We then told them that their Christmas present may be late this year, but it was going to be the best one ever! Their reactions were just what we expected…pure excitement for our new little baby on the way. The day they heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time was so much fun. It was so wonderful to see the awe in their faces as they heard those swish swish sounds meaning there really was a baby in mom’s tummy!

My pregnancy went along as smoothly as any of my other pregnancies, filled with my usual major exhaustion and morning sickness. I had some high blood pressure but I did my best to take it easy and get it under control. I knew from the very beginning that I was having a baby boy. It just felt right and honestly, I was so excited to have another boy again since my boys were close in age and I never felt that I got to just cherish each of their babyness as long as I had with my girls. We felt like maybe this baby was our last one, so I really tried to love every minute of my pregnancy. I began feeling the baby move early, before 13 weeks, and loved every little nudge and kick. I think I bonded with the baby much earlier than any of my other ones just because of this. What a blessing that was to really know my baby boy as much as I did.

On August 9 I went in for my usual check up. I was 18 weeks, 3 days. The Dr. measured me and said I was measuring right on and everything looked great. Then he listened for the baby's heartbeat only to not find it. My placenta sounded really good and he seemed positive that the baby was just lying towards the back of my uterus. But just in case, and so I could sleep, he sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound. I called my husband and we dropped the kids off at our friends and headed to the hospital. Even though the Dr. had been reassuring, I just knew then that it wasn’t going to be okay.

The ultrasound technician was just so quiet. I knew that he couldn't find the heartbeat but he still did measurements for awhile and said nothing. My husband held my hand and watched the screen. I never even looked at it. The tech confirmed that the baby did not have a heartbeat and wasn't moving. He wasn’t able to find any conclusive measurement to how far along the baby was when it had died. In that instant, my whole world shattered. It’s amazing how you can go from utter happiness to utter despair with the two simple words….no heartbeat.

The next few days were a blur. I’m not sure if I stopped crying during them. I didn’t sleep much. I didn’t eat much. I just somehow existed in a state of complete shock. The day after we found out we sat down to tell our kids. That was one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do, to tell my kids that the baby that they were so excited for, had planned so much for was now dead. Unfortunately, my kids have already had experiences with death, so when we told them, they knew exactly what it meant. The disappointment in their sweet faces was so apparent that it broke my heart.

Since they couldn’t tell how big the baby was on the ultrasound, my doctor wanted me to wait for a few days to see if my uterus would shrink at all or if my body might start to miscarry on it’s own. It didn’t happen, so my doctor finally scheduled an induction for August 12, the day before my 19th week mark. It was the most awful feeling to have to go to the hospital where we’d had other babies born and felt so much joy to know that this time we’d be going home empty handed and heartbroken. The induction was long and so hard. My body just did not want to give up my baby. It was the most physically painful labor that I’ve ever had and my heart continued to break knowing that in the end, this precious life of my baby’s would be completely over.

At 11:20 pm that night my baby boy entered the world, silent and still. The Dr. knew the cause for his death immediately. It was a cord accident. His tiny little cord was completely twisted at the insertion into his belly. All of those little nudges and kicks I had felt from my active little boy had twisted his little cord until it couldn’t sustain his life any longer. He was teeny tiny, weighing only 2 oz. and measuring 5 ½ inches, just about the length of my open hand, but he was perfect. He had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes with little nail buds forming. He had high cheek bones just like my husband’s, the cutest little nose, and tiny mouth. He was perfectly formed but just so tiny and so very still. The Dr. thought that based on his condition, that he had probably been dead for about a week. I can’t remember exactly the last time I felt him move since his tiny kicks were still so sporadic. I know for a fact that he was still alive when I was in my sixteenth week. I am so thankful for a day in that week that I have a very vivid memory of feeling my baby squirm away while I just relished in his little movements. I felt so incredibly blessed in that moment, loving this new little baby of my mine, and savoring the wonderful feeling of being a mother. I will always cherish that day.

We named our sweet baby Gabriel Benjamin. Gabriel means God is my Strength. We felt his name fit just perfectly because we would have to spend our lives depending on God for the strength to live without him in this life. Benjamin is my husband’s name.

In the end, it was a blessing to have to actually deliver him. As Ben and I sat with our baby and said goodbye to him I really wasn't as devastated as I thought I would be. It was extremely difficult but I knew that his lifeless body was not our little Gabriel's spirit which was already gone, but only his body, and I was grateful to be entrusted to help provide that for him. I know that he is one of our Heavenly Father's children and he needed a body to complete his own little plan. For whatever reason, he was just too perfect to need to stay on Earth, with all of the pains and sorrows we face, and I feel honored to be the mother of such a special spirit. I feel blessed to know that he is back in our Heavenly Father's arms and that through the power of the Atonement that my precious little Gabriel will return to my arms again when my life is through.

Story provided by: Cyndi Jordan

I lost him.

2011-10-05T00:25:00.002-06:00

I didn't actually lose Him, I know exactly where He is.

October, also known as what I like to call "infant loss awareness month," is upon us. I guess it's not so much an awareness month as it is a remembrance month.

I believe these little angels bring great blessings along with trials, but the blessings far outweigh the trials.

Throughout the month, I am going to feature stories from my fellow baby-loss mommies in hopes that I can help remember their angels and know they are not forgotten. Keep checking back for stories of remembrance in honor of our angels who were just too perfect for this earth.

It's a Chick!

2011-10-02T21:55:00.003-06:00

I bought this costume before I was ever pregnant. I think I've had it
for four years or so. Last year, Scarlet was just too tiny to fit in it. This year though, Scarlet fits in it and loves it! She didn't even try to take the head piece off. She wore the costume around the house until I decided it was too hot for her to wear it anymore. Poor thing was sweating to death in it! The saddest part? She's going to be a ladybug for Halloween and not a chick. I'm hoping we can find multiple Halloween parties so she can be both. Maybe she'll still fit in this next year.

It walks... kind of anyway

2011-10-02T21:51:00.002-06:00

She's doing so well walking with her little wagon! I love that she giggles in this video. It shows so much of her personality.

Our week in a nutshell

2011-09-23T21:41:00.002-06:00

This week has been insane! It all started Saturday night with Bella throwing up. I didn't think anything of it because sometimes she does that. It's a chihuahua thing. Anyway, she kept at it, and then started having diarrhea. I decided that since it hadn't stopped on Monday I would take her to the vet. They gave her a shot and some antibiotics and sent me home. Things looked hopeful for a moment. Then she started having bloody diarrhea. I know, too much info. It was so scary! By Tuesday, she was throwing up everything, all the water and Pedialyte we would give her, she wouldn't eat anything, and was so, so weak. We decided to take her to the pet ER that night and get her rehydrated since we thought it couldn't wait until morning. I am SO glad we did. We seriously thought she was on her death bed. It was mortifying. Lots of tears and prayers later, we are happy to say that Bella is now on the mend.

By Thursday, I had had it with cleaning up throw up and diarrhea, so I decided it was time for me to take Scarlet to Disneyland. We had a blast! We went with our friend, Amy, and her 3 kids, Carson, Beckham, and Chloe. As soon as we walked through the gates, I got stung by a bee, right on my finger. I kind of freaked out a tiny bit and made Amy pull the stinger out since I didn't think I could touch it myself. It grossed me out. After that ordeal was over, I was just sad that the bee was now dead. Poor little guy. I promise I didn't even try to hurt him. He was just under my hand at the wrong time I guess. I made myself feel better with a big giant Coke (Disneyland Coke is the best, even better than McDonald's).

Ryan had his first test today for school. He studied so hard for it. He has spent countless hours studying anotomy and innervations. He feels like he did well and I'm sure he did. I think he's fabulous at everything he does! He makes me so proud to be his wife.

... and that's our week... in a nutshell.

*As you can see from the photos, Scarlet loved goofy (she was laughing at him), and hated Minnie. She was totally freaked out by Minnie. So sad.

My Obsession

2011-09-19T21:20:00.002-06:00

I'll admit it. I'm totally obsessed with Amazon. I can't help it. It has the most amazing prices out there and I get free 2-day shipping because I am an Amazon Mom. Are you an Amazon Mom? If not, you really, really need to sign up. You get great deals like 30% off diapers. LOVE IT! Anyway, I came to the realization that I was obsessed when I looked at my account and saw that over the last 30 days, I had 15 orders. What do I order? Pretty much everything you can think of.

Toilet paper

Sippy cups

GoGo Squeez (if you have never tried this and you have kids, try it! I got my first one at Wal-Mart when Scarlet was having a full on freakout. She loved it, it made her happy, which in turn made me happy). It's applesauce in a squeezy pouch. Amazing invention.

Laundry detergent

Cascade dishwasher tablets

USB cable for the printer

A webcam (birthday gift for mother)

The list goes on and on. Literally. Since I discovered my obsession, I have really tried to keep the ordering to a minimum. I think the ladies at my leasing office hated me because I had a package coming almost every single day (no, UPS only delivers packages to my door occasionally. Yes, it is really annoying. I have to load up the stroller and walk to the leasing office in the million-degree heat to get my package). Anyway, there you go. Apparently I am an Amazon-aholic. Can't help it. Are you one too? Please let me know I'm not the only one out there.

Angel Kingston

2011-09-15T21:40:00.002-06:00

At one point after I gave birth and was somewhat coherent, I wrote down our story on this trisomy 18 website. I had totally forgotten about it until just now. I just went back to read it. Sometimes it's so surreal that we went through that entire experience. I was reading and thinking, "is this really me who wrote this?" Yet I know it was. I'm so grateful that I took the time to write it all down.

Dear Scarlet -- 13 months

2011-09-11T22:32:00.002-06:00

Dear Scarlet,

Can you believe it? You're 13 months old and living in California. I feel like since we moved, you have grown exponentially. You are everywhere and into everything. You have the desire to climb on anything elevated. If it's off the ground, you have to be on top. Maybe that's an indication of who you will be in the future? In charge and confident.

You have popped out 4 new teeth. It was only a slight struggle to get them out, but you handled it like a champ!

I'm loving watching you grow and change. You have the funnest personality! I'd say you're just like your daddy. That's a good thing.

You are "talking" like crazy. You love to say, "tickle, tickle, tickle," "Bella," and many more.

We took you to the ocean soon after we moved here. You thought it was great. You chased the water as it receded. Once it came after you though, you decided the ocean wasn't so great anymore.

Oh Scarlet, you are beautiful. Keep giving me snuggles and kissy kisses okay?

Loves,

Mommy

Kingston's Party

2011-09-05T01:24:00.003-06:00

On Kingston's birthday (also known as Scarlet's birthday), we decided to spend some time at the cemetery. I made sure we were there by 9:02 a.m. so I could be there the exact time little King was born. I made sure to bring a cupcake for him, a candle, and my bestie and her daughter bought Kingston a balloon, so I made sure that got to him as well. I had so many other plans, but I just ran out of time. Kingston's birthday was definitely a hard day for me. It's so bittersweet. It was fun to light Kingston's candle and wait for him to blow it out. I got mad at him because he did it when I wasn't looking.

I'm sure if people were at the cemetery that day they probably wondered what I was doing. I laid down next to my baby and imagined him in my arms once more. For the first time in a long time, I wept. I miss my sweet baby so much. Words just can't describe how much my arms ache to hold him again. Thankfully, I know that one day I will. Happy 1st birthday Kingston! I love you to the moon and back!

Scarlet's Party

2011-09-01T00:24:00.006-06:00

I'm a little behind on blogging, so here is Scarlet's party from August 10th. If it seems that I went overboard, you're probably right. I felt like I needed to keep my mind occupied and busy with fun stuff so that I didn't dwell on the fact that this was also my son's death day.

It started off with this super cute, custom made pillow dress with fluffy pants for her birthday outfit. My friend's amazing mom whipped up the dress in probably 20 minutes. She's amazing!

We did a strawberry theme and it turned out so cute. I ordered the strawberry file from etsy and it came with all we needed to make the party complete. We had the banner, cupcake toppers, signs all over the room.... very cute.

My friend, Julia, made these cupcakes for my princess. They were pink and green to go with the strawberry theme. I loved how they turned out. And yes, those in the background that are blue, are for Kingston. We had to remember him too.

Scarlet was spoiled rotten! We had a lot of family and friends there to celebrate this special day with us. Thank you to all who came to make it such a wonderful night for Scarlet! Little did you know that you also helped me get through one of the hardest days I've had to deal with so far.

Scarlet had a sparkly candle that was perfect! The colors even went well with our theme.

Ready to blow out her candle!

Delicious! Scarlet loved her cupcake. She ate almost the entire thing.

And there you have it. It couldn't have turned out more perfect! Happy birthday little Scarlie! We love you!

Magic Dog Pee

2011-08-30T00:03:00.004-06:00

Apparently my dog is an artist. When I first saw her pee art on the carpet, I literally started screaming. It was almost like the people who see Jesus on their toast. It was a pee dog on the carpet!! Are you kidding me? Yep, my dog really is that amazing. Don't worry, she doesn't always release herself on the floor. And yes, if you are wondering, that is a turd next to it.

The Big Move

2011-08-29T23:44:00.003-06:00

I cannot believe that we have already been here in California for two weeks. Time is flying by. Before we know it, our two years here will be over. I need to catch up on some blogging, so I'm going to go back to our move...

It all started on a Saturday. I woke up early and got ready to move. I was determined to get it all done before noon. We had a ton of awesome helpers and we were so grateful to all who helped. It made the move go really fast!

My dad had told me to get a 17 foot truck. I assessed the truck size in my mind with all of our crap and decided a 20 foot truck would be better. It's a dang good thing I listened to my brain. Once we got all of our house outside, I thought there was no way it would all fit into our, what now seemed tiny, truck. My amazing father used his puzzle skills and wah lah, he got our entire house into a 20 foot truck with no room to spare. It was spectacular!

That night, we spent the night in Elk Ridge. We got to watch Salem's fireworks from my parent's deck. It was beautiful. It brought back a lot of memories of the year before when I sat there on their deck eating an omelet and watching the fireworks. I had just been released from the hospital a few hours earlier after one traumatic week. Memories flooded my mind at that moment.

Sunday, we woke up, and off we went! We had me, Ryan, Scarlie, Bella, Josh, Megan, Dad, Mom, and Neutron. We squished into the truck and Eduardo (the car), and we left. It was kind of sad saying good-bye to Utah, but at the same time, I knew our new adventure would be so worth it.

We drove down to St. George and stopped to see Ryan's dad. He had never met Scarlet and we wanted him to finally be able to see her. She went right to him and snuggled right into him like they had known each other for years. It was so special.

Sunday night we stayed in Mesquite. I think it was about 200 degrees outside. It was awful! To let off some steam, we decided to go bowling. It was a blast! Seriously so much fun. We all had matching shoes and I'm pretty sure we were the entertainment for all who were there.

Monday morning we woke up, ate a delicious breakfast and headed for our new home. It felt like it took forever to get here. I think I was just so excited to finally be here and get settled.

Once we arrived here, all of our neighbors stepped up and helped us move all of our stuff in. My family stayed for a few days and helped us get all settled. I'm beyond grateful for all of their help!

What a great way to start our adventure! We're so excited to be here and can't wait for all that is to come!

Oh, and Scarlet has discovered the stairs and how to undo her diaper. Lovely.

Quick Update

2011-08-20T12:10:00.004-06:00

Well, we are here! Here in California and we are LOVING it! Scarlet and Bella have adjusted quite nicely. We finally have internet so I plan on posting some pics soon. Ryan starts school in just a couple of days. He'll do great. As for me, I have yet to get back to work, but plan to soon. I love hanging out with my little family and enjoy the warm weather here. Okay, warm is an understatement. It's HOT here, but I love it anyway.

More updates to come.... Oh, and Scarlet has discovered the stairs in our house. She absolutely LOVES to go up them. Coming down is a different story. She keeps attempting them head first. No worries, we supervise this activity 100% of the time.

Dear Scarlet -- 1 year

2011-08-11T22:29:00.003-06:00

Dear Scarlet,

Today, you are a year old! My little 3 pound 12 ounce baby girl has grown into a whopping 15 pound 4 ounce little toddler. I remember the day you were born very well. In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday. It was such a rush. You came sooner than we wanted, but thankfully you were a fighter. You were born just two minutes after your brother, and you were much bigger than he was. You were the most beautiful baby in the entire world. You made me so happy. You still do.

I didn’t get to see you the day you were born for a really long time. I kept Kingston with me for quite a few hours because I knew that was all the earthly time I would have with him. I knew you were well taken care of by all the loving nurses and doctors in the NICU. Once Kingston left, I got to go see you. My heart melted. You were mine forever.

There was not a day that went by that you did not smile. You have always been the happiest baby! You have definitely brought so much joy into our home.

As a one year old, you love to eat. I don’t think you have a particular favorite food, you just like everything. We call you the garbage disposal because you just eat and eat. You’d think with all you eat that you would be a little bigger, but you’re not. You’re still very petite.

You are still in size 2 diapers and wear 6 month clothes. Some of your clothes are still 3-6 months. Like I said, you’re still very tiny. Your weight doesn’t even register on the charts yet. You are in the 0th percentile and always have been!

You are extremely active. You scoot-crawl everywhere and stand up next to anything you can. You will then traverse all along the furniture or walls and explore your world.

You and Bella are getting along great. You're sleeping well and learning to speak.

My mind is still in shock that you are a year old. How did that time pass so quickly? You are the most amazing child I have ever laid eyes on. I can hardly wait for all of our adventures in the future.

Love you forever and ever,

Mom

Happy Birthday Scarlet and Kingston!

2011-08-11T13:10:00.006-06:00

Happy birthday to my precious little babies! I cannot believe an entire year has passed since we first said hello. You two light up my life! I'm so proud to be your mommy.

Do you know what two things represent Kingston in these photos?

Three.

2011-08-08T21:55:00.003-06:00

Four.

2011-08-07T21:23:00.005-06:00

Five.

2011-08-06T22:10:00.010-06:00

Six.

2011-08-06T22:10:00.005-06:00

Seven.

2011-08-04T22:26:00.003-06:00

Eight.

2011-08-03T19:47:00.004-06:00

Nine.

2011-08-02T21:14:00.005-06:00

Ten.

2011-08-01T20:35:00.003-06:00

Sneak Peek

2011-07-30T10:26:00.004-06:00

Here's a sneak peek at our soon to be 1 year old!! You can see more on her birthday in less than two weeks. Oh my!

Oh no...

2011-07-17T23:13:00.002-06:00

Can you believe this little piece of work...

made this piece of work? Yep, she pooped in the tub. It was spectacular. Thankfully my awesome husband cleaned it up.

Dear Scarlet -- 11 months

2011-07-11T19:44:00.003-06:00

Dear Scarlet,

Seriously? You're going to be a year old in just one short month??!! I cannot even fathom that thought at the moment. It's totally freaking me out. For now, we will just reminisce over the last month's fantasticness.

You have decided that you absolutely hate being swaddled (finally). If we attempt to swaddle you, you will immediately bust out. I love sneaking in at night and taking your picture. It's always hilarious to see the positions you come up with.

Speaking of sleeping, you are the most amazing, deep sleeper ever. You sleep through just about everything, everything except sneezes. I can't quite figure out why they freak you out so bad.

You have attended two funerals this month. I'm not sure why people keep dying, I guess that's the business of life. At least when we went to the cemetery for the dedication of one of the graves, we got to go visit Kingston. You are so cute when we take you there. You love to touch his headstone. I always wonder what is going through your little head when we are there.

We had an amazing fourth of July. It was beautiful weather when we went to the parade. It was overcast and cool. I think you could have cared less to be there. Thankfully once we got in the car, you konked out. You were SO tired. Even though you were super tired, you never really got too fussy. You were still smiley and happy until the second your eyes closed. You're amazing.

Guess what? You finally, FINALLY got some teeth! Two little teeth on the bottom.They are adorable, but also very sharp. You have managed to bite quite a few people since they have come in. Funny baby.

One of my favorite things you do is talk. You are constantly talking. This month you have started saying "Bella." You like to repeat me when I am calling for Bella. You also have discovered the mermaids on your swim floatie. You will point to them and say, "merma." It's so stinking cute!

Scarlet, we are now approaching the year marks to some very prominent points in our life. I honestly cannot believe they are sneaking up so quickly. Sadly, I am deathly afraid for them to get here. I don't want my baby to be growing up so fast. It also means that we are moving soon. I chose to stay here in Utah until after your first birthday so that we could spend it with Kingston too. We will then be off to California for who knows how long. I'm excited and scared at the same time. It will be you and me with a tiny dose of daddy for the next two years. I'm so excited to watch you learn and grow and become a beautiful little lady. Keep being just who you are... the most amazing little girl I have ever laid eyes on!

Love you,

Mama

Happy 200th post!

2011-07-03T12:32:00.002-06:00

I can't believe I have finally hit my 200th post! It only took me 3-1/2 years to do it. To celebrate, you should go to this super cute etsy shop and by a necklace that looks like your favorite food, only miniature sized!!!

Here are a few of my favorites:

Rainbow snowcone

Pink and white lollipop

Pickle

You should go check it out (maybe even buy one or two)!

His Beating Heart...

2011-06-27T20:32:00.002-06:00

My heart aches to hear the beating of his heart once more. That's what I thought. Sometimes I might purposfully drive on the bumpy strips on the freeway and imagine hearing the beating of a strong heart pumping life through the veins of an otherwise unviable being. Just one more time. I'd even take the smell of the ultrasound gel once more just to hear it. Last night while packing, I accidentally saw it. It was an unmarked DVD so we put it in the DVD player to see what it was. His beating heart. A message from the dead: I was once here. Do you remember? Oh son, how could I ever forget? I felt as though my happiness of the day had just crashed in on me. I could no longer be productive with packing and organizing. It ended there. It was as though a tiny hand had reached through the screen and touched my heart once more. My cracked vase started leaking water. Apparently all the glue in the world can't stop the occasional leak. I miss my baby boy. I miss his beating heart. I miss it lulling me to sleep in the hospital. I must pick up the pieces of my broken vessel and glue them all back together. Piece by piece, day by day... It gets better. I feel as though I get stronger. There are just the occasional moments in life when it hits me. Goodnight baby. Sleep peacefully.

Day 9: My siblings

2011-06-17T20:41:00.002-06:00

I have been blessed in life to be the only girl in my family. What does that mean? Lots of guy-tection, a.k.a. lots of brothers to protect me, three brothers to be exact.

Jesse is my oldest brother. He is almost 6 years exactly older than me. His birthday is September 3, mine is the 2nd. See, almost exactly. He's such a good dad and husband. He's married to Tina and they have two kids. Josh and Chloe. Jesse has always been one to think of others before himself. He's an excellent older brother.

Josh comes next. He is 4 years older than me. Josh was always the popular one. He plays the bass very well. Because of his band, I met Ryan. Thanks Josh! Josh is the sweetest guy alive. He's a great cook. He lived in Italy for 2 years and learned how to cook the most delicious pasta. He probably gets sick of me asking for him to cook for me for birthdays and Christmas. His wife will be one lucky lady (no, he's not married... yet)!

Nathan brings up the caboose. He is 13 years younger than I am. You can do the math for how much younger than my brothers he is. He has such a fun personality and is turning into quite the handsome young man if I do say so myself. When my parents told us they were pregnant with him, I cried. I was so ticked off at them. I didn't tell one single soul my mother was pregnant because I was so embarrassed. How sad is that? Once he was born, I just loved him to death. He was the cutest baby I had ever seen. Thankfully he was cute because he was a little turd!

Fun fact: My brothers and I used to do the dance from Dirty Dancing in our living room, you know, the one at the end of the movie? Well, one of them, I think maybe Josh, went to do the flying eagle lift with me and totally dropped me on the rocking chair. Cha-ching! One of them also hit me with a rake at one point. They make fun of my crying because apparently I sound like a car changing gears. Lovely.

Day 8: Things that calm me

2011-06-15T20:10:00.002-06:00

What calms me? Hmmm..... Well, since pretty much everything stresses me out, this was a difficult one. Here are a few things I can think of that give me a sense of peace, even if it is just for a brief moment.

Rain storms, especially those including thunder. I love cracking the windows during a storm to listen to it.

After a snowstorm, I love to go outside and listen. There's not a sound in the world. It's so peaceful.

I enjoy luscious bubble baths.

Pedicures.

Massages. I could have a massage every single day of my life and be totally okay with that. There's just something about it.

Being overly planned for whatever I am doing. I like to have a timeline/schedule for everything. It's kind of annoying for anybody who is around me. Sorry world.

Those were lame. I'm bored with me. Are you?

Moab 2011

2011-06-15T08:35:00.003-06:00

We just got back from another amazing trip to Moab. We left early Sunday morning and drove down. When we got there, we went straight to Onion Creek, our favorite 4-wheeling trail. You cross the creek tons of times and got soaking wet. It's always a good time. Scarlet got to ride in the truck with my parents while all the kids rode the 4-wheelers. She loved it!

Monday we hiked to Corona Arch for the real reason we went to Moab. The guys all wanted to repel off the arch. It was so much fun to watch them. It was also a really beautiful hike. Scarlet got to ride in a backpack and absolutely hated it. Poor little thing! She ended up falling asleep on the way down thankfully. She was just having a rough time being in the pack.

Here are the guys on top of Corona Arch.

Here they are again on top of the arch, you just have to look really close to see them. That's how big the arch was! Here is Ryan getting ready to go off!

After the hike, everybody went back out on the 4-wheelers. I stayed back at the hotel with my mom and Scarlet for some much needed nap time. We also made our way to "downtown" and went "shopping." There's not a whole lot there, but we still had a good time. I got to make Scarlet a really cute onesie at the T-shirt shop.

Scarlet ended up getting sick Monday night so we didn't get much sleep. It was not so cool, especially since we were sharing a room with other people! Tuesday morning we woke up and went to Dead Horse Point. It was really cool to see. Then we drove home. It was a spectacular trip.

Day 7: My day in bullet points

2011-06-14T19:04:00.002-06:00

I'll start at midnight since that is technically when the day starts....

Midnight -- Put Scarlet to bed for the 10th time.

2:45 -- Feed Scarlet, clean up Scarlet throw up, put Scarlet back to bed.

6:56 -- Get Scarlet up, try to keep her quiet... didn't work.

7:15ish -- Walk to hotel lobby and get two powdered donuts. I then proceeded to eat them. Both of them.

Go back to room and clean, pack, get ready to head back home (I was in Moab).

Pack the car.

Go to Maverik for a killer 44 oz. Dr. Pepper, black nibs, and chips.

Get on the road.

Go to Dead Horse Point State Park.

Change a diaper.

Walk around for a while.

Take a few photos.

Get back in car and drive to Green River.

Eat at Arby's.

Get back in car.

Drive to mother-in-law's house.

Pick up the dog.

Drive home.

Make a bottle.

Unpack.

Call Leslie.

Put Scarlet down for nap.

Check blogs and e-mail.

Get Scarlet up.

Go for a walk.

Feed Scarlet peas.

Bathe Scarlet.

Dress Scarlet.

Make Scarlet's "nighttime" bottle.

Put Scarlet to bed.

Get on computer to work......

The night still isn't over. It's only 7:28. Let's just say that it's been a CRAZY, busy day.

Dear Scarlet -- 10 months

2011-06-11T17:07:00.003-06:00

Dear Scarlet,

Ten months down, two more to go until your first birthday! This last month has been amazing. You are learning and growing at such a rapid rate. You have been so much fun this month.

We started the month off with a quick trip to California with your pseudo-aunt, Leslie. We flew down really early one morning and you did amazing. You slept through most of the flight there. You helped me look for an apartment. It was a very long and exhausting day, but I think we accomplished what we needed to. After all was said and done, you took an amazing nap.

We went to visit your twin on Memorial Day. I had a difficult day, but you were just as happy as could be. I'm sure Kingston enjoyed your company that day as he always does.

You got your first ear infection this month!! Oh no! You enjoyed your bubblegum-flavored antibiotic. You really did. I would give it to you and you would reply with a satisfied, "Mmmmm..." You're easy to please.

You're still an amazing little eater. You will eat just about anything we give you. I hope you stay that way.

The pool at our house has opened for the summer and you are in heaven! The first time I took you and put you in your floatie, you took off around the pool. You have always loved the water and the pool is no exception. What an amazing little thing you are!

You have started to immitate us really well. You will now occasionally wave bye-bye. You will also repeat some things we say such as mama, dada, papa.

Scarlet, I cannot even express how much love I have for you. You bring me joy beyond measure. I love that I get to watch you grow and learn. You are everything I have ever wanted in a child and more! I'm excited for what the future holds for us. Stay beautiful little princess. Mommy loves you!

Loves,

Mama

Day 6: My parents

2011-06-10T11:22:00.002-06:00

My parents are slightly crazy, but I still love them. As their offspring, I'm slightly crazy as well. Thankfully it makes for some really good times.

My father, Dennis, grew up in Provo. He comes from a family with 1 brother and 2 sisters; Randy, Vicky, and Tammie. He is an amazingly talented artist. His house, that he built himself, is filled with his artwork. Not only is he a talented artist, but he is good at just about everything he does. He's a man of all trades. He was the mayor of Elk Ridge for 4 years. He loves to ride his Harley and dress up like a mountain man and go to rendezvous all over the place. When I was a kid, he took me to one on my birthday. I went with my brand new cabbage patch. He bought me a popsicle that had been kept cold with dry ice or something. I put it in my mouth and it got stuck to my lips. I hate when that happens. Anyway, growing up, he always dressed me in mocaisins and turquoise. He taught me how to garden and be an honest person.

My mother, Susan, is from Springville. She's the youngest of her siblings by at least 7 years. I kind of wonder if she was a surprise? Probably not, but who knows. She has 4 siblings. A half-brother named Earl. Then there's David, Paul and Linda. Sadly, Linda was killed in a motorcycle accident just 3 months before I got married. It was horrible. We still miss her.

My mother is a wonderful lady. She has taught me how to be respectful and loving. She taught me how to be a good wife and mother. Fun fact: Her mother was 45 when she had my mom. Her grandfather was 65ish when he had my mom's mother. Is that confusing? Let's just say there's about 100 years between my mom and her grandfather. Yikes, right?

There you have it. My parents in a very tiny nutshell.

Day 5: My pet

2011-06-08T20:41:00.002-06:00

Bella is my saving grace. She's the cutest little cream chihuahua. She's so lovey-dovey. Here's how she came about.

December 2008 was the month I was going to get pregnant. I was determined! We had obviously been trying for quite awhile and this was the month we were going to do artificial insemination. We did. In January, I excitedly took a pregnant test, like the 10 billionth test. Much to my dismay, it was negative. I was heartbroken. I was honestly down and out for a good week or so. I finally told Ryan that I just needed something in my arms to fill the void. I went on KSL and found this little doozy of a photo and immediately fell in love. A puppy in a teacup. Who doesn't want that? I called Bella's owner and told them I was on my way to see her. I was madly in love with her bubbly personality and playfulness. She was so tiny too! I paid my deposit and told them I would be back a week later to pick her up. I couldn't wait that long. I ended up picking her up 3 days early.

The first night we had Bella, we put her in her kennel and listened to her cry all night long. It was the saddest thing EVER. I felt so bad I had taken her from her mom. It didn't take long for her to warm up to us. She was so little, she couldn't even go up and down the stairs by herself. I had to carry her everywhere. I loved it. It was just what I needed.

Now we have had Bella for almost 2-1/2 years and she is still pretty great. She can do the following tricks: Sit, shake, jump, stand, bang, bang (play dead), give loves, rub-a-belly... and on and on. She can also go get her toy on command. The worst part about Toy? She has to sleep with it every night. As soon as she sees us getting in bed, she will run and get her toy. She'll scrape the bed until we pick it up and put it in bed with us (it's too big for her to jump with it). I will often find her snuggled up with it in bed.

I'm so grateful for Bella and all the joy she brings to our little family. It's going to be one sad day when we have to part with her. :(

Day 4: 15 Interesting facts about me

2011-06-07T09:27:00.002-06:00

I don't know if I can come up with 15 interesting facts, but I will sure try.

I hate when my forearms get wet while doing the dishes and bathing Scarlet.

I have to have Burt's Bees on my lips at night and while I work.

I don't like washing my hair because then I have to blow dry and straighten it.

I could eat Mexican food 3 meals a day.

I love checking my e-mail in the morning.

I love the smell of wet cement.

When Ryan and I go somewhere, I drive almost always.

I don't have a gallbladder or tonsils.

I've only had to get stitches once (except for surgeries). I had them in my finger.

I've never broken a bone.

I love after it snows when the snow sticks to tree branches. It looks amazing.

I hate spiders. They freak me out.

I love to organize my things although I don't do it enough.

MAC makeup is my favorite.

I hate to wear socks, even in the winter. You will oftentimes find me in the snow with slippers or sandles on. Shoes and socks just drive me crazy.

There you have it. Not sure if those are that interesting.

Day 3: A picture of you from over 10 years ago

2011-06-06T10:46:00.002-06:00

Since I am ghetto, I don't have a scanner. Therefore, I had to scour the internet for a picture of me from over 10 years ago. Yes, once upon a time I did a pageant or two. This was my senior year of high school. It was in the Miss Payson pageant. Obviously I didn't win, but I did manage to place. I have no idea how either because I went up against some really beautuiful and talented girls. My summer after I graduated was filled with parades and public appearances. It was an absolute blast!

Fun facts: During the pageant I had to stuff my swimsuit because I had zero boobs. I also had to glue my swimsuit to my bum (normal pageant trick), and the top of my dress, because of having a flat chest, had to be duct taped to me. Yes, you heard me right. I was so flat I couldn't even keep my top on. Sad, isn't it? Now I'm too fat to even get the skirt zipped up on my dress. Talent? I danced of course.

Day 2: Your favorite movie

2011-06-05T09:53:00.003-06:00

My favorite movie isn't even in English. It's in French. No, I don't speak French so I have to read the subtitles throughout the entire movie. I love it. There's something about it being in French that makes me love it even more.

Amelie goes about each day trying to manipulate the world around her to improve the lives around her. I love that she thinks her neighbor who is in a coma, is getting her entire life's worth of sleep all at once. She thinks that records are made like crepes. Now everytime I eat creme brulee, I think of Amelie cracking the sugary top with the back of her spoon. Mmm..... creme brulee!

This is such a feel-good movie. I used to watch it twice in one day because it just would give me that pick-me -up that I needed. It's a sweet love story that I'm sure if you just give this movie a chance, you too will love it.

Day 1: Introduce Yourself

2011-06-04T22:41:00.005-06:00

I'm going to attempt to be better at blogging with a 30-day trial. Let's see how it goes. I might just bore you all, so sorry if I do. Here goes!

I was born Ashley Brooke Dunn on September 2, 1982. My brothers wanted to name me Cinderella, so on occasion we throw in Ashley Brooke Cinderella Dunn, but I often just go by "Babe." Not Babe like the pig. Let me remind you, I came way before the pig did. My parents still call me Babe and I still answer to it just as if it was my given name.

I grew up with 2 older brothers. I thought they were horrible and God's way of punishing me... or something. They were mean and awful. They are 4 and 6 years older than me, Josh and Jesse. We didn't get to like each other until we were a little older. Now we have a great relationship with each other and I think they are God's way of blessing me... or something. When I was 13, my mom and dad had a SURPRISE!!! His name is Nathan Dakota. He was the definition of Michelin Man, so super obese. Now he is a teenager and getting ready to drive. I can't believe he's that old already!

When the doctor pulled me out, he told my parents, "she's got the feet of a dancer." And dance I did starting at the age of 2. I clogged until I was 15, and then I was on the high school drill team for my sophomore and junior years. My senior year I was on the modern dance company. I took one semester of dance in college and then decided I was done dancing. I never thought that day would come. I remember thinking, "what am I going to do without dance in my life?" I had always danced, always had practices, always had performances, and now it was all over. It was sad. I still miss it.

I graduated from Payson High School in 2001. I attended UVSC, now UVU, for 2 years and graduated with my associates degree in 2003.

While at a local music venue in July 2003, I saw a guy staring at me. I thought there was no way I would ever talk to him.... until I found out he was the new drummer for my brother's band. After about a month of hanging out and getting to know each other, we started dating. His name was Ryan by the way. We dated for a year and a half and ended up getting married January 27, 2005. We've been happily married ever since.

I always wanted to be a mother and it took me way too long to figure out how to become one. God so graciously blessed me with two beautiful children. I gave birth to them just before my 28th birthday. Kingston is my oldest child by two minutes. Scarlet came next. Kingston had trisomy 18, a diagnosis incompatible with life, and shortly after birth, he passed away. It was heartbreaking and devestating, but an experience that makes me who I am.

I have only ever lived in Utah County, but I am soon leaving "Happy Valley" for the "Inland Empire" also known as Rancho Cucamonga, California. I'm sure it will be a slight culture shock, but I'm okay with that. It's just one more thing that will shape me into who I am, right?

That's me, in a nutshell.

Memorial Day 2011

2011-05-31T22:37:00.005-06:00

Do you remember this photo from last year? I took it while trying to hold back tears as I watched Ryan remember his brother. It broke my heart. I thought that taking the picture would somehow stop my tears. It did much more. This picture has been etched in my memory. It was at this exact moment that I knew this is where Kingston was supposed to be buried. I was so overcome with emotion that this is where our son would be buried. I saw what a significant and sacred place it already was for Ryan. I wanted exactly that for our son. I hated thinking that within a short time, our son would be in this same spot, resting for the remainder of his earthly existence.

This year for Memorial Day, I took our daughter and let her feel what a special place this is, multiplied by 2 now that Kingston lies there. I sat on the damp grass with Scarlet in front of me and cried. I was so sad that my son is no longer in my arms, but lying in the ground. I like to consider Memorial Day the Day of the Dead. I know it is much more than that, but for me personally, it was a harsh reminder of what I have been through over the last year. It was almost like pouring salt on my open wounds. The pain stung. Although I am very grateful for what I have been given, I am human, and I tend to miss what I have lost. My arms ache to hold our precious little boy. With the thought of being reunited with him, I am overjoyed. I often imagine what it will be like to be wrapped in his arms just as he was wrapped in mine. Rest in peace sweet child. Mommy loves you!

NICU Reunion 2011

2011-05-22T19:49:00.004-06:00

I have been waiting for this day for what feels like forever. The NICU reunion. I remember reading about it in the newspaper last year, knowing full well that we would be attending this year! Scarlet was in heaven. She absolutely loved it. She got a "creepy clown" tattoo on her face, she won a pinwheel and some necklaces, that she would not let us take from her for any reason, and also got some candy for her parents. We enjoyed pizza and ice cream as well. Thank you UVRMC NICU for putting together a great reunion! Maybe, just maybe, we will see you next year!

Dear Scarlet -- 9 months

2011-05-11T21:49:00.001-06:00

Dear Scarlet,

I find myself speechless today, your 9-month birthday. I am still amazed that you are my beautiful child. I love waking up to your happy sounds that you make.

This month hasn't really brought much change. You are loving the concept of sitting up on your own. You think it is nearly the greatest thing. Your grandmother asked why you had a bruise on your head the other day and I realized it was from when you tipped over and bonked your head on the bundt pan. Your grandmother thought that was odd that you would be playing with a bundt pan, but you love it! You love to bang your wooden blocks on it and makes lots of noise.

We took you to the doctor the other day and you weigh 14 pounds 5 ounces. You're 25-1/4 inches long! Almost 9 inches longer than your birth length. Holy guacamole! You are still wearing 3-month clothes and you'll also wear 6-month clothes on occasion. Most of your 6-month clothes are summery and of course here in Utah, even in May, the weather gets confused and it doesn't quite know if it wants to be 80 degrees or 40, so most of the time it's 40 and you're stuck wearing your small 3-month winter clothes.

Kingston got his headstone last week and it is so wonderful to have it. I love that we finally have his resting place marked so we can always find him when we go visit (not that it was hard before, but this just feels official).

We're still preparing to move to California in August. I can't believe we're moving! I think it will be good for our little family, but I think it's going to be a challenge, one I am up to facing. I will have you by my side the whole time. We're best friends.

I love watching you grow and learn new things. You are soaking up the world around you. When you grow up, will you still let me sneak in your room and admire you while you sleep?

Love you always,

Mom

A Horrible Situation Made Beautiful...

2011-05-08T21:55:00.004-06:00

I talked previously of the women from Angel Watch. They so selflessly gave up their time to comfort me before, during and after Kingston passed away. The Daily Herald has written an article in today's paper about Angel Watch. Please take the time to read and if you are willing and able, feel free to give back.

I may or may not be mentioned in the article. And also, they may have mentioned my age. Ugh. I may have been interviewed this last week for this article and I feel it is very well written. I'm honored that I was chosen to be a part of such a wonderful program. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have shared my story.

Thank you so much Angel Watch. Heather (my angel), you are everything I hope to be. You are amazing! I will never be able to thank you enough for what you did for us.

My First Mother's Day

2011-05-07T21:41:00.002-06:00

Here we are. My very first mother's day. Yes, I guess you could say that last year I was technically a mother, but the minis were still growing. Do you remember? I surely do. We had just had our gender ultrasound and found out there was a "complication" with our son (Boy Baby, Baby A). I remember trying to brush it off and play it cool around our families, but deep down in my heart, I knew what my son had... I knew he wasn't going to live. I remember my heart just aching. It was painful. I didn't want to eat or sleep. However, my body thought differently, or maybe it was the minis telling me otherwise. In the back of my mind, I had to tell myself things were not really as bad as I thought. I was just thinking the worst, but no way was it possible that our son could die. Could that really happen? No way. I thought for a moment he could be fixable, that his diagnosis really wouldn't be "incompatible with life."

You never want to give up on the hopes and dreams you have for your unborn child. Afterall, he was a boy. He was supposed to be like his daddy, extremely talented in all aspects of life (school, sports, music). But alas, it was not meant to be. I was forced to give up on every single hope and dream I had for him, and for my twins together. I had to quickly change my focus to my healthy little girl I had on the inside. There would be days that I couldn't look at my growing belly in the mirror because it was too painful to see my son growing, knowing that I would soon have to give him up. There were also days when I felt so weak from my sorrow, that I would lay down and sob. I would plead with my Heavenly Father to give me just a brief moment with my little boy. A kiss on his palm for him to hold forever was all I needed to give him before I sent him away, back to heaven, away from the evils of this earth.

Three months after we had a diagnosis for Baby A, he was born at 9:02 a.m. on a beautiful August morning. August 11, 2010. There was no cry. He could barely breathe. He was weak. He had been fighting so hard to hold on, and now it was time for him to say good-bye. At that moment, I became a mother. My first-born child came to this earth for only a brief moment, but a mother he made me forever. A mere 73 minutes after birth, while I held him in my arms, I watched him as his spirit slipped from his mortal being and into the arms of our Heavenly Father. It was amazing. You see, right after his diagnosis, I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to be bitter and angry, or I could choose to make the best of what time I had with my sweet Kingston. I chose the latter. I did not want to make it an ugly situation. I wanted it as beautiful as it could be... and that it was. There's not one thing I would change.

Before sending my son away, I kissed his perfect little nose, his cheeks, and last, but not least, the palm of his hand. I believe he's still holding my kiss in his hand. I watched as Ryan took him from my arms and placed him in a beautiful basket, lined in white. The poor young guy from the mortuary had to watch as I sobbed as he covered my son with a white sheet and left carrying my most precious cargo.

Last year, I did not think this is how my mother's day would be, but it is. One child in heaven, and another here on earth. Both beautiful blessings. Today I stood in the early-morning sun while my son's name was read over a sound system. What came next was a moment of silence. Kingston's moment, and every baby's, every child's, moment who has left this earth. I stood there with Scarlet in her stroller as I shed a tear for my child who is gone. I received a comforting touch from my beautiful friend standing behind me, who was also there because of her sweet baby becoming an angel. How grateful I am that even when I feel alone, I am not. I have beautiful women who surround me and lift me up in my times of grief, even while they go through their own. I am never alone. Kingston, I'm sure, is close by. He's got to watch over Scarlet.

How grateful I am that I have two beautiful children. They made me a mother. This is not how I envisioned motherhood, but I have to say, it has been more spectacular than I ever could have imagined.

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful women out there. You are amazing. You are strong.

Kingston's Place

2011-05-03T16:38:00.002-06:00

We finally have a headstone for Kingston and it feels so good! I'm so glad we were finally able to get it. I wanted to have it before we left, so Ryan and I hurried and picked this one out. I love how it turned out! It's perfect!

They placed it in the cemetery yesterday and called me today. I was so super excited to go see it. I had to wait for Ryan and Scarlet to wake up before we could go and I swear it took forever for them to wake up.

Why a snowflake? The snowflake represents Kingston in that he was uniquely individual and only on the earth for a short period of time, just like a snowflake. If you look really close in the bottom left hand corner, you can see Scarlet's cute little footprints.

Lately...

2011-04-27T21:20:00.003-06:00

What have we been up to lately? Scarlet got this super cute, super pink outfit from her grandma. We think it's hilarious to dress her up for public appearances. It's just too cute!We totally fit Scarlet into a giant Easter egg. We got a kick out of it. I couldn't believe my almost 9-month-old child fit into an Easter egg. Gotta love her!

The memorial place finally poured the cement for Kingston's headstone. We got to put our tiny dancer's feet in the cement. I always want a piece of her with him, and him with her. I'm so grateful that we were able to do this. I hope Scarlet teasures this forever.

"How very softly you tiptoed into our world. Almost silently; only a moment you stayed, but what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts."

Dear Scarlet -- 8 months

2011-04-11T16:28:00.004-06:00

Dear Scarlet,

Today, you are 2/3 of a year old! I know I say this all the time, but really, I cannot believe how fast time is going by.

Last time we weighed you, you weighed in at a whopping 13 pounds 8 ounces. You're growing all the time and you just keep getting funner. You're still in 0-3 month clothes and some 3-6 month clothes, but I'm sure soon, you will be in 6 month clothes.

You love to sit up on your own. We were with your cousin, Makoy, one night and you saw her sitting on her own. You wanted to be just like her. Ever since that night, you have had no problem sitting up on your own. However, you still have no desire to crawl. I'm totally okay with that. I don't mind you being immobile. You will be walking soon enough, so I'm going to enjoy these months with you before you can run away from me!

You now eat bananas, prunes, apples, pears, squash, sweet potatoes, carrots, and we are always trying new things. You're not quite into textures yet, but it's slowly coming.

This last month I have had a little time to reflect on the days you were in the NICU. Everyday I would come visit you, I would put my left hand on your head and get close to you and say, "hello beautiful." It was my way of always telling you I was there. I still find myself doing that to you. It makes me so happy to know you are my daughter, my child.

From the time we brought you home, your dad would always sing Benni and the Jets to you and then make you dance. You have always loved that. Well, on American Idol a couple of weeks ago, a girl sang your song. We still have it recorded and play it for you all the time. You will stop whatever it is you're doing and stare at the TV as soon as you hear the music start. Then you start bobbing back and forth. It's adorable.

A couple of weeks ago your dad got a phone call from a graduate school in California. They told him he was accepted and is to start in August 2011. This means we are going to move to California right after your first birthday. I'm still kind of in shock, but I'm excited for our new adventures.

Sweet Scarlet, you are amazing! There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for what I have been given. Even having lost a child, I'm happier now than I ever was because you are a part of my life. I think I can be so happy because I know what true sorrow really is. I feel like I have been at both ends of the spectrum. I sure wonder what it would be like with Kingston here with you. Would you guys have your own language? Would you laugh at each other? Would he be just as happy as you are? I wish I knew. Maybe you are as happy as you are because he is still with you?

You're so amazing to me. Thank you for being such a fighter. You are doing amazingly well for being so premature. It is awe inspiring. I love you to pieces and pieces!

Love you,

Mom

Las Vegas

2011-04-04T14:54:00.006-06:00

Oh Las Vegas, I miss your warm, warm weather. It's a good thing I brought home a super nice sunburn to remember you by. This was just a girl's trip. It was me, my cousin, April, and my cousin's wife, Alesha. I knew we were off to a good start when on the trip down we couldn't stop laughing, and I mean wet-your-pants kind of laughing. I needed that relief so badly. I just love these girls and was so glad Ryan was willing and able to watch Scarlet so I could go play for a couple of days. We got to Vegas around 10:30 p.m. on Friday night. We enjoyed a free concert by Sara Evans on Fremont Street. I was completely lost since I had no idea who she was, but April and Alesha enjoyed her as well as the billions of drunkerds there to watch her. We witnessed some pretty nasty things there as well. Oh Las Vegas. We stayed in the Flamingo both nights we were there. We weren't able to check in until about 3:00 in the morning. We were totally spent. It also took about an hour to get checked in. While waiting, we got to see the blue-haired lady riding a Jazzy (awesome), an IT, who will still to this piont and after seeing IT a couple of times have no idea if IT was a boy or a girl, many picture-worthy mullets, muffin tops, hookers, and short skirts. Good laughs were had by all just sitting in the lobby for an hour and watching people. I would try so hard to contain my laughter until people had passed by me, but there were times when I would just flat out start laughing because they looked so ridiculous. What is up with Vegas and people thinking it's okay to look like a hooker 24/7? Maybe they really are just hookers? Not sure. Saturday was April's birthday. We laid out at the pool for a little while and enjoyed the 90 degree weather. It was divine! (Insert sunburn here) We decided to go to a Cirque de Soleil show that night. We walked down to New York, New York. We thought the walk would take us like 20 minutes but it ended up taking us probably an hour and a half. We had to take a few detours and of course had to stop at all the crazies dressed up on the street like characters. Then we went to Ceaser's Palace and shopped of course. It was at that moment when I found an $88 outfit for Scarlet that I wished I had more money. Oh well, who needs it? We stayed in H&M for over an hour picking out super cute clothes. They even had the little overall outfit for Scarlet that I had died over when we were in California. This time it was on sale! Winner! After shopping, we went to Treasure Island and ate at their buffet. It was wonderful! Custom made pasta was my favorite. They also had sushi, BBQ, and the most exciting? Cotton candy!!!! I was literally in heaven. We took the bus back to New York, New York just in time for the show that started at 10:00 p.m. I have no idea how I managed to stay awake so late. The show was interesting. The dancing and tricks were awesome. Overall it was a great day in Vegas. We woke up Sunday and drove home exhausted. I believe I ended up going to bed around 8:00 that night. Yep, I was tired. We had a great time and I love that these girls are my family! Thanks, April, for being born so we could celebrate your birthday!

Coming August 2011...

2011-03-25T16:52:00.002-06:00

California girls!

You heard me. We will be moving to the Pasadena area in August so that Ryan can attend graduate school there. He had interviews at Georgetown in Washington DC and also Kaiser Permanente School of Anesthesia in Pasadena. After lots of hard work and preparation, he was accepted to both schools (and of course he killed his interviews)! After much thought, he chose to accept the offer to go to California. Why? It's closer to home, warmer, beautiful... you get the point. Oh, and it has a great program. He was actually accepted for fall 2012 and was an alternate this year for Kaiser, but they just called us today and told us that he has been accepted! I couldn't be more proud of him! He has worked so hard for this and he so totally deserves it. I'm so excited for our adventures, but a little nervous to be so far away from what I know as home. Wish us luck!

Crazy Fact

2011-03-16T19:55:00.002-06:00

So, I forgot to mention this the other day. On March 11, 2011, it was seven months since delivery. I was only pregnant for 7 months (January 11-August 11). Scarlet has now officially been on the outside longer than she was on the inside. Is that crazy or what?? I kind of can't believe it.

Boxes of Memories

2011-03-15T20:22:00.002-06:00

For the last 7 months, I have had a bag on Scarlet's floor labled on one side with "Patient Belongings." On the other side written in black marker was, "Kingston Memories." When I left the hospital 7 months ago after giving birth, I didn't get to leave with a baby in my arms. I left with a bag full of memories. I remember sitting outside my room right before I left in my wheelchair. I looked at my door with the green handprint on it. The handprint indicated to everyone who passed by, that I was a mother of a child who had passed away. I started bawling as I looked at it. I didn't get to bring my son home. My arms were empty. All I had was his bag of memories. This bag contained Kingston's blankets (3 of them to be exact). Every blanket he was wrapped in, we kept. There was no way I could let go of what held my precious son and kept him warm in his final hours. There was a heart-shaped box that contained a replica of his diaper, his little beanie he wore right after birth (it still has goo in it even, gross I know), his name bracelets that he never wore, and his hand and foot prints. It also contained the hundreds of photos we had taken of our time together and the precious time with him after he passed away. This bag contained memories, but also a lot of pain. Every time I would open the bag and see his blankets, I would feel an emptiness in my heart.

Today, I grew the strength to remove the items from our "Kingston's Memories" bag and place them in a storage tote and put it away... Off of the floor, no longer in a bag, but in a safe place. It was hard. Harder than I wanted it to be. I pulled his outfits out of the closet and placed them in the box. They are no longer where I see them when I open the closet. It breaks my heart.

In my religion, we believe that we are forever families and we will be together for eternity. That's absolutely wonderful, but guess what? That knowledge doesn't heal the physical pain of losing a child. I can't pick up the pieces of my broken heart and mend it overnight. It's not possible. For my time left on earth, all I have to remember my son are memories, and memories fade. I hate that. But for now, I will cherish what I have, even if it is a box now labled "Kingston Ryan Hone."

Dear Scarlet -- 7 months

2011-03-11T18:40:00.001-07:00

Dear Scarlet,

Over the last seven months, we have come to be best friends. I don't even know how we lived without you. You are such a joy in our lives and we are seriously so blessed to have you as our own.

This month has been really quite eventful. For Valentine's Day, we went to the cemetery and took Kingston a balloon and flowers. I guess we took them to Chad too since that's actually where we placed them since Kingston still doesn't have a headstone (someday soon he will. I hope).

You also got to take your first plane ride to California. You were absolutely wonderful. However, in the hustle and bustle of everything, I left my phone in Utah at the airport. Leave it to me to be so super flaky. At least I remembered you, right?

While in California we went to a lot of different places and had so much fun! You were such a joy! You would just sit in your stroller and look at everything. I seriously couldn't have planned for it to go any better. You even slept well. We got to take you swimming for the very first time. You loved it (check out the bikini!! I got this for you before you were born)! There's not a whole lot that you don't like.

You are such a good-mannered child. You sleep well, you're always happy, and you are such a flirt with your daddy! You always give him the cutest smiles.

We have started you on real baby food, not just the nasty rice cereal. You are an extremely good eater. So far you like squash, sweet potatoes, and apples. Peaches aren't quite your thing, but we'll keep working on it. You always want to grab the spoon when I feed you. There has only been one incident in which you sneezed as I was putting food in your mouth. Let's just say there was sqaush all over me, you, the table, and your Bumbo seat. No sneezing while eating, okay?

You now love to stand up. You are so interested in everything going on around you. You are so much fun to watch learn and grow. You will also roll from your back to your tummy and from your tummy to your back; however, you don't like to do it unless we make you. You seem to be a little lazy in that department.

I cannot believe another month of your life has passed right before my eyes. You have honestly brought so much joy into my life and I am beyond blessed to have you as my daughter.

Loves and loves,

Mama

p.s. You will now say "mama" and Papa says you also say "papa." I'll believe it when I see it! You little smarty pants!

Tricky Baby

2011-02-23T20:25:00.004-07:00

I believe I mentioned this in a previous post, but here is the proof that she can actually do it! She hangs on for dear life and concentrates really hard to stand there without falling. It is probably the cutest thing ever... or at least the cutest thing this week.

(Sorry for the sideways video, I had to get her entire body standing there)

Daisy Dukes Bikinis on Top (California Girls... and boy)

2011-02-21T20:48:00.004-07:00

We're home from our amazing adventure on the west coast. It all started off with me singing California Girls to Scarlet while she grinned at me from her crib. She had no idea what was about to happen. We flew out on a Wednesday and surprisingly the babe did amazing on the plane. She slept for half of the flight and then was a cutie for the rest of the time. She was very good entertainment for the entire flight and passengers. We arrived in Long Beach and off we went to get our car (Wakamavia ((Wasatch Front Kia turned around in Ryan's head comes out as Wakamavia)) and headed out to Knott's Berry Farm. Scarlet would fall asleep in her stroller as we wandered around the park. Again, she was just amazing. By the time we arrived at our hotel that night, we were spent. We ordered pizza and enjoyed its deliciousy hot goodness.

Thursday we woke up and Ryan and Jacob went and checked out a grad school in Pasadena. I drove around with Amber and the girls looking for a grocery store. We found one and had a fun time finding snacks for the day. Once the boys came back from the school, Me, Ry, Ambie and the girls headed to Hollywood. I always love seeing the big Hollywood sign, but quickly realize just how much I don't like the actual city. I could be just fine never going there again. Sorry Hollywood. While there, we went to the Hollywood Museum. I got a little freaked out as I walked past Hannibal Lecter's jail cell. Creepy. We then decided to head to the Citadel Outlets. Can I just say awesome? I wished we could have stayed there a little longer, but Scarlet decided to poop all over her outfit and down her legs and scream bloody murder until we changed and fed her. Poor thing.

We would play so hard each day that when we would lay Scarlet down, she would just poop out. She was exhausted.

Friday was filled with more fun. We drove down to San Diego, which I loved! I really enjoyed the drive. On our way to San Diego, we stopped in Huntington Beach and ate some delicious Mexican food and visited with Amber's aunt.

When we were getting to San Diego, it started raining. We had had plans to go to Legoland that day and don't worry, the rain wasn't going to stop us. We got into Legoland and it was a terrential down pour. Sad. We walked around for a little while but just got soaking wet. They even closed down all the rides, so we didn't even really get to do much.

Saturday, Sea World. Oh my! I loved it! It was the perfect weather for most of the time. Every once in a while it was start to sprinkle. We had ponchos and at the shows I would stick Scarlet underneath mine so she wouldn't get soaking wet. She thought it was the greatest toy in the world. I only started to get worried she was suffocate when she decided it was fun to put the poncho in her mouth. Probably not such a great idea.

I LOVED Shamu. It was like I was 5 years old all over again. I watched in complete amazement as this huge animal would throw itself out of the water and splash everybody. He was SO smart!

Sunday, we went to the San Diego Zoo. All I wanted to see were the pandas. Again, I was in love. I could have stayed all day and watched them. I also really loved the Koala bears. they were adorable.

Sunday afternoon, Ryan and I left San Diego and went back up to Long Beach for the night. We got to our hotel and were in shock. It was right on the beach and right next to the Queen Mary. We had so much fun taking a stoll along the coast and enjoying the beauty of the ocean. It was fabulous.

Our hotel had an awesome pool and party areas. I only wish it would have been a touch warmer so we could have enjoyed them.

Ryan has decided to create a horror film with this guy as the scary guy. Let's just say this escape suit was creepy.

Scarlet again just chilled out in her stroller and enjoyed the walk. She did amazingly well on this entire trip. We are so grateful for her.

I'm always a little sad to leave California, but glad to be home and in my own bed. Thanks California for a good time.

Dear Scarlet -- 6 months

2011-02-11T23:01:00.001-07:00

Dear Scarlet,

Oh my word! How is it that six months have come and gone so fast? I cannot believe you, little Princess Penelope, are six months old today. I'm speechless. You now weigh in at a whopping 11 pounds 14 ounces (0th percentile). You are now 24 inches long (up 7-1/2 inches since birth, and I think 4th percentile). In the last month, we decided to see how you liked your first solid food. You hated it. In fact, you still hate it. You will drink it in your bottle, but you will not eat it from a spoon. We'll get there eventually. We took you out to eat and you got to sit in your very first big girl high chair! Obviously you were a bit too small for it, but we pretended it worked. We just stuck blankets and coats behind you to help you stay upright.

You have discovered your feet this month. It's so cute watching you grab them and try to eat them. When you grab your feet, you end up rolling from side to side. It won't be long before your rolling from your back to your tummy. However, this week you did roll from your tummy to back! Your daddy was sleeping and I was screaming from the other room in excitement. When he woke up, he asked me what I was screaming about. You showed him too. You are so awesome.

You love to stand up! You want to be standing up all the time lately. I have discovered that you can hold onto the coffee table/ottoman thing and hold yourself up. It's so cute. Your little head barely pokes up over the edge. You just are so small and to see you standing up is really adorable.

Scarlet, you bring me never-ending joy. I am so blessed to be your mom. Thank you so much for being in my life. One of my favorite parts of the day is when I get to hold you at night and rock you to sleep. I love looking at your little tiny features and thinking about how perfectly shaped your lips and nose are. I just think you are the cutest baby ever.

Happy half birthday little Scarlet! I love you to pieces and pieces.

Loves,

Mom

Don't forget...

2011-02-04T20:19:00.002-07:00

I have been doing pretty awesome at keeping up on my letters over on my other blog. Don't forget to check it out! Here's a sneak peek of what we have been up to.... (look close at this picture)

6 years

2011-01-27T22:54:00.002-07:00

Wow. Six years ago today Ryan and I got married. I cannot believe how fast these six years have gone by. If you would have told me what my life would be like in 6 years on the day I got married, I would have told you that you were crazy. I thought we would have two or three kids by now (we have 2, just not the way I thought it would be). I thought Ryan would be done with school. Our life is different than what I thought it would be and I love it just the way it is. I love Ryan more today than I did the day we got married. He's such a rock and an amazing support. He is the best daddy to our children. I love looking at Scarlet and knowing that she is here because of him. She is his daughter and she is beautiful. I think what we have been through, especially in the last year, has made our relationship stronger. I'm grateful that what we have been through, albeit extremely difficult, has made us who we are. I'm excited to see what the next 6 years hold in store for us, and the next 6, and the next, and the....

Dear Scarlet -- First Food

2011-01-19T21:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Scarlet,

Tonight was a new first for you. You got to try your very first rice cereal!! You absolutely hated it. I would put it in your mouth and then you would shiver like it was the most disgusting thing you have ever had in your entire life. Well, that's probably exactly what it was actually. You were so stinking cute! Hopefully you start to like food or we will be in big trouble. I'll try this again tomorrow and see how it goes. You are just too cute to not try it again.

Love you baby girl!

Heart,

Mom

New Blog

2011-01-14T22:16:00.002-07:00

Since it's a new year, and we all have resolutions, I have decided to create a blog of letters. My goal is to write a letter each day for an entire year to various people, places and things. This should be interesting. Wish me luck! Feel free to follow it as I attempt a daily post for an entire year. Oh my! Do you think I can do it?

Dear Scarlet -- 5 months

2011-01-11T18:15:00.003-07:00

Dear Scarlet,

Not only is this your five month birthday, but exactly one year ago today, you were transferred from a petri dish to my body. I guess you could say it was one year ago today that I became pregnant with you. It was one of the best days of my life. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. You have fulfilled a life-long dream of mine and I couldn't be more happy. You make me smile every single day and for that, I am thankful.

You are a pro at sleeping now. It's heavenly. You sleep 10-11 hours a night almost on a consistent basis. I call you my magic baby because you just love to sleep. You're either magic or just my daughter. Sleeping is probably the thing I do best. You probably just take after me on that one.

This last month you have met some monumental milestones. We took you to the baby-sitter and when we came back to get you, they had video of you laughing!! That was your first real laugh. It made me so happy. It still does make me happy. Your laugh is totally contagious. Not only that, but you learned to reach out and grab your toys. You also love to talk to your toys. It's quite adorable.

Bella has become very protective of you this last month. She loves when you come home after we have been out. She has to give you kisses all the time. You love her too. You are constantly watching Bella. You try to grab her at times too. Bella isn't so thrilled with that one.

On Christmas Eve, we went to visit your brother at the cemetery. You stayed asleep through the entire ordeal, but I feel like you were at peace there. I hope it is somewhere that you can find peace because it is such a special place. Kingston was, and still is, such a special angel.

Your first Christmas was very fun. I enjoyed watching you even though you had no idea what was going on. Maybe next year it will be even better. I'm so excited to watch you grow and change.

You are still in size 1 diapers and newborn clothes. You can wear 0-3 month onesies, but the pants in that size just fall right off. You're such a skinny little thing. Your fuzzy head is slowly becoming more fuzzy. I love it. I love to kiss your sweet little head.

Scarlet, keep being exactly who you are... an amazing little angel. Your father and I love you more than you will ever realize.

Love always,

Mom

Christmas 2010

2011-01-05T20:43:00.003-07:00

This year for Christmas, we went to Elk Ridge and spent it with my family. Scarlet did great. She went right to bed and slept all night until we were ready to wake up for presents. Santa did not disappoint. Scarlet got the diapers she wanted, some spoons, some plastic keys, some wooden blocks for developmental exercises and these cool toys from Crayola called Jumbles, also good for developmental exercises (when you have a preemie, you work on development all the time. Scarlet even has her own special nurse who comes to our house to work on us with development). Scarlet even got a very cute princess dress from Grandma and Grandpa Dunn. I had to put it on her right then. It's a bit big, but she will be so cute when it actually fits her! Of course Bella was not left out of all the fun. Nunkie Josh brought her a very special gift... the cutest Harley-Davidson hoodie. Bella LOVES it.

Christmas night was the annual Hone party. As always, it was a blast. This was Scarlet's first year to take part the in pinata at the party. She even got to take a few swings. Grandma Hone always gets the grandkids some sort of funny dress up every year. This year they were reindeer and oh so cute! Scarlet is in the top right with Brylee or should we say Brudolph?

Baby Owen

2011-01-05T20:33:00.003-07:00

This is the cutest little guy I have ever seen! Check out his story here. I had the pleasure of meeting him today and totally fell in love with him. I had to get a picture of him with Scarlet (Scarlet was just into eating her hands at the moment). Owen was just born a week ago and he is only about a pound and a half smaller than Scarlet and only 1-1/2 inches shorter. I'm sure in no time this little guy will be bigger than my girlie. Congrats Dari and Chris! Owen is amazing!

Nicknames

2010-12-22T09:03:00.003-07:00

Last night as I was talking to my mom, she asked what I had had for dinner. I told her Todd brought me Taco Time. She quickly responded, "I'm telling Ryan you're having an affair." This is untrue. I had to then explain to her that Todd is Ryan's alter ego. Todd is who I get mad at since I don't like to be mad at Ryan, but Todd is also the one who makes me late for things because "I have to work out!" Think I'm lying? Check out the muscles on "Todd the Bod." See, the name fits. Now, Todd is not to be confused with Ted, which is his right foot's name. That's another story for another day.

My mom then said to me, "I need a name for your dad when I get mad at him" to which I quickly replied, "oh, his name is Deebin, Deebin Dunn." What? Where is this coming from? So then I got to thinking.... I have a nickname for almost everybody in my family and I didn't even realize it!

Josh: "Jizz McNizz" Where did this come from? The only place I can think of is a while ago when "izzle" on the end of the words was "in." Josh used to always make me say, "From Hollywood Homisizzle, here is Harrison Fizzlezord and Jizzle Hartnizzle."

Then we have Nathan. He's "The Natorator" or "Jimmy Natron." He thinks I call him Jimmy Natron because he has a big head like Jimmy Neutron, but that's only part true. I just really like Jimmy Neutron.

Oh, and Tina. Her name is Chino, like the pants.

Bella often gets called Bells Manells, Bellaroo, Boobalies, and just good ole Bells. She knows herself by all of those names. She can also ollie for one of her tricks. See, she's the smartest dog ever.

Who else? Oh, of course, the babe! Scarlet has many, MANY names. Her very first name was Beautiful. We called her Beautiful the entire time in the hospital. It kind of holds a special place in my heart. Josh, or Nunkie Josh as Scarlet calls him, calls her Sweetness. I love it. She also goes by: Stinky Pinkerton, Snotty Snodigran, Sleepy Pants... pretty much we just take an emotion and/or whatever she is doing and turn it into a name. Her pacifier is also named Mr. Binks.

Am I excluded from the nicknames? Oh, totally not even. My name my entire life has always been Babe. My Christmas stocking even has "Babe" written on it. I think my little brother didn't even know my real name until he was about 7 or so. He just always called me Babe. Now, my niece and nephew, I'm not sure they know my name. They have always called me Aunt Sissy. I don't know if I have EVER heard them call me Ashley, but that's okay. Apparently I like nicknames.

Does anybody else just randomly name people? Is it just me?

Dear Scarlet -- 4 months

2010-12-11T19:27:00.004-07:00

Dear Scarlet,

Have I told you lately just how much I adore you? You have such a beauty about you. Over this last month, you have really become quite a "talker." It's so much fun to listen to you talk about your life, or whatever it is you're talking about. You have also become super smiley. Since you now like to smile, we have discovered two very cute dimples just above your lips. So cute!!

I cannot believe you are already 4 months old! The time is flying. Before I know it, you will be a year old. It saddens me that you are growing up so quickly, but at the same time, I am enjoying you more and more each day. You seem to be learning something new all the time. You have discovered your hands. You will only suck on your left hand for some reason and you usually try to talk to it as you are sucking.

Remember how I told you that you would have beautiful blue eyes? Well, it's true. They are dazzling. They are the most beautiful blue.

You are still really tiny. I think it's hilarious, but you still wear newborn size clothes. I'm trying to transition you to 0-3 month size, but it's a bit of a stretch. You weigh 9 pounds 8 ounces and you are 22-1/2 inches. That means you have gained almost 6 pounds and grown 6 inches since you were born!! You are still in size 1 diapers. Your hair has also decided to grow just a tiny bit. It's gone from completely bald to fuzzy.

You and I had a special moment not too long ago. You love to dance. I was holding you and dancing and singing, like we do almost every day. I looked up and there we were, dancing in the reflection of Kingston's photo. It was almost as if the three of us were dancing together, just the way it always should have been. We sure do miss having him around.

I attempted to put you in the bumbo chair a couple of weeks ago and this is how it turned out. Let's just say you didn't like it. You look so cute in it though. You are doing so well holding up your head. You also did something else pretty amazing this month. You slept an entire night, a full 11 hours! Thank you!! I woke up feeling absolutely amazing. See, I hadn't had a full night's sleep in quite a few months, so it was quite a little treat for me.

The day we wanted to bring you home from the hospital, the doctor found a murmur in your heart. It was finally time to venture out to the cardiologist to see if your little heart was healthy. They hooked you up to all these leads and did an EKG to see the rhythms of your heart. The good news is, your heart is totally healthy! It was so nice to finally hear good news from a doctor.

Well, my little 4-month-old beauty, I sure do love you to pieces. You brighten my day.

Love you forever,

Mom

To my angels....

2010-12-01T20:40:00.005-07:00

With the recent holiday of Thanksgiving having just passed, I feel I need to share something that I am indeed grateful for this year. When we found out that our little Kingston wasn't going to be living for long, we were referred to a group of counselors and nurses that IHC provides called Angel Watch.

Angel Watch so graciously came into our home and got to know us on a couple of occasions. They would just come and listen to us talk about our life and our feelings. It was very difficult, but also very beneficial. They also asked us what our hopes were with Kingston. I remember telling them through very teary eyes and thick emotions that all I wanted was to hold my son, bathe him and put a diaper on him. I wanted to know that he was mine, that I was his mother. I also told them that I really wanted a picture of the twins together so that Scarlet knew she really was a twin.

We knew very early on that the reality of Kingston living long, just wasn't reality. We knew we would be lucky if he was born alive, and if he was born alive, he probably wouldn't live to his first birthday. This in and of itself was a hard fact to accept. We did our best to accept it though. We enjoyed every day we had with him.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I knew Kingston was struggling. I was afraid that every time we would go in for a non-stress test that they would not find his heart beat. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life that he would still be there, that I would still get to hear the precious beating of his heart.

August 9, 2010 or 8-9-10. I told everybody that this was the day I wanted to have my babies. I wanted them to be born on a special day. Well, as 8-9-10 was coming to a close, I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I told him that I was ready to say good-bye. I was exhausted. The unknown was literally killing me. I cried all the time. I just needed it to be over. I told him that if Scarlet was healthy enough to be born, I was ready to go through the next trial that was coming our way. I also knew that Kingston was not doing well as I no longer felt him kicking inside me. I knew he was weak and very, very sick.

August 10, 2010, I went in for a routine non-stress test. Kingston's heart rate was bad. Every time I would contract, his heart rate would drop significantly. I sat there watching the monitor and just waited for it to pick back up. This couldn't really be the end, could it? When the nurse left the room, I looked at my mother and said, "I don't think I'm ready for this" (even though just the night before I had so bravely told my Heavenly Father that I was). My sweet nurse, Denise, must have been in tune with the spirit that day. She had been seeing me twice a week for a month, so for her, this was hard too. She sent me straight to labor and delivery to be monitored.

When I arrived at the hospital, everything was fine. I had numerous people watching my babies' heart rates. I talked to so many doctors that day, my head was spinning. I thought for sure that I would be going home that night. Much to my dismay, my doctor thought otherwise. He also was listening to a very strong voice telling him to make me stay.

The next morning, August 11, 2010, I delivered my son. He was obviously weak and we knew he wouldn't be here with us for long, but we were beyond thankful that he got to take a breath of the sweet air that surrounded him. Just as our camera died in the OR, here came Heather, of Angel Watch, with her camera. She captured so many priceless moments of us with our son. Kingston with daddy's ring on his arm.

After Kingston passed away, Heather was there to bring me a basin of warm, soapy water and cotton balls so I could bathe my son in my bed. She brought me a little tiny diaper to put him in and also the most perfect little blue shirt. She also made hand and feet molds for us and a set for Scarlet (notice his little elf ears, SO CUTE). After we got Kingston dressed, she rolled me into the NICU with my son to see my daughter. She softly scooted Scarlet over in her bed and laid Kingston next to her. This was the last time my babies would be together.

This is what I am most grateful and thankful for at this time in my life. I could not believe that this angel would drop her own personal life to meet me in the OR and literally hold my hand as my son passed away. She so selflessly spent her day with me and helped me enjoy the most precious moments I had with my son. Thank you, sweet, sweet angel. Everytime I look at the picture of Kingston hanging on our wall, I am thankful we have it, thankful to a woman who took her time to take hundreds of pictures for us. Words cannot even express the gratitude in my heart for this service. She took an unfortunate situation and made it beautiful. What a blessing. Thank you so much!

Scarlet and Santa

2010-11-23T11:34:00.002-07:00

Last night, while at the mall, I spotted Santa in the food court. I got extremely excited, like a little kid, to see him. I just knew we had to have Scarlet's picture taken with Santa for her first Christmas. Scarlet sat with him for quite a while. Apparently she has a pretty big wish list this year. She told Santa she wanted: A big box of diapers, some books, some new bottles, a couple of new outfits, and on and on she went. We will see if Santa was able to listen and understand her when Christmas morning comes. Good luck Santa!

Dear Scarlet -- 3 Months

2010-11-11T16:43:00.004-07:00

Dear Scarlet,

I realized the other day that at some point in the future, my heart beat will no longer lull you to sleep and it made me a little sad. If you have been wondering why we snuggle so much in the afternoon and take naps together, that is why. I love that the natural rhythm of my body can soothe you to sleep.

Scarlet, I know you are too young to hear this right now, but at some point in the future, it will be helpful. When you are searching for a husband, look for a man with the qualities that your dad has. Your dad is an amazing man. He is away right now in Washington DC. He's trying to get into a master's program so that he can better his education and get a well-paying job at some point in the future. He is trying so hard to take care of you and give you the opportunities you deserve. He loves you so much. He will do anything he can to better your life and protect you. I want you to know just how proud of your dad that I am. He works so hard to provide for our little family. He's the love of my life.

Within the last month, you have had lots of fun. You experienced your first Halloween. Don't worry, I ate all of your candy. Thanks for sharing. You were the cutest little pumpkin I have ever seen. We also blessed you this last month and it was a very special day. You are now in size 1 diapers!! I can't believe how fast you are growing. You now weigh 8 pounds even. You were just over 4 pounds when we brought you home. You have officially doubled your birth weight. Way to go baby girl! I put away all of your preemie clothes last night and it made me a little teary eyed. I'm sad that you are growing up so fast, but I'm so happy that you're healthy. You will occasionally smile, but you love to scream. Sometimes you "talk" too. I love that.

As the holidays are fast approaching, I can't help but think how difficult this year will be for us. We love watching you experience life, but at the same time, there is a little hole where Kingston should be. I will be wondering what it would be like to see him with you around the holidays, getting Christmas presents, and laughing with you. It hurts my heart that he is not here with you.

Well, little Scarlet, happy 3 month birthday. You make me proud to be your mother. Thank you!

Love always and forever,

Mom

Scarlet's First Halloween

2010-10-31T19:06:00.002-06:00

For Halloween this year, we went down to good old Elk Ridge for some fun times and what else? Good food of course. My parent's next door neighbor gives out beanie babies, so I had to get one for Scarlet this year as this is the last year they will give them out. Since it was too rainy and cold, Nate (Phantom), went down to their house for me and picked out a cute little bear for Scarlet. We were lucky enough to take Amber and Kyla with us this year too. They definitely made it a great time! They were the cutest treasure trolls I have ever seen! I totally forgot to take a picture of them though. :( Sadness.

Annual Friend Halloween Party

2010-10-31T18:58:00.004-06:00

Halloween 2010 was FULL of excitement for us! Friday, we were lucky enough to attend the annual friend party. It's always hilarious to see what everybody will come up with for their costumes. Of course, this year did not disappoint. There was lots of delicious food and fun times to be had! Thanks Seth and Abby for hosting such a fun tradition! Me and Ry. (Wondering what Ryan is? He's a droog from A Clockwork Orange). The guys. The girls.

Dear Scarlet -- Blessing Day

2010-10-31T18:33:00.003-06:00

Dear Scarlet,

Today was your special day! This morning, you were extra happy and pleasant. You didn't cry once. You slept until I needed to get you ready, and then I took my time getting on your beautiful dress (my blessing dress), your homemade bracelet, your blessing ring and of course, your specially made shoes. You looked fabulous! I kept looking at you and thinking of how lucky I am to be your mother. The day was even perfect. This morning was bright and sunny. Last night it was dark and rainy. Then all of a sudden there was a beam of light through the clouds and the most beautiful rainbow. I believe that was your brother telling us he's right here with us.

This week had been especially emotional for me. When I was first pregnant, I would think about this day and how special it was going to be to bless you and Kingston at the same time. As today approached, I realized that dream would not be. It was only you we would get to bless today. I cried a lot. I told your dad how grateful I am to have you, yet how broken my heart is at the same time. That heart break seemed to vanish as I felt the spirit close to us today, so peaceful and comforting.

You didn't make a peep the entire time at church. Your dad held you tight as he blessed you. It was amazing to watch as he carried you to the front of the congregation in his arms and then all of the priesthood holders surrounded you and placed their hands on you. There are so many people who love you! The spirit was overwhelming. I believe Kingston was there too. I think that is why you were so calm today. Even your dad was lucky enough to feel him there. How lucky are we to have Kingston?

After church, we had a delicious lunch and great company. We had lots of cousins and friends there to celebrate you! We ates lots of yummy soups and desserts. It was the perfect day! Everybody had to pass you around and stare at you. You really did look beautiful.

Scarlet, I know you won't remember today, but it will be forever ingrained in my memory as one of the most special days of your life. The gospel is amazing. I hope that one day you gain a testimony of the gospel for yourself and share it with those around you. I could not have made it very far this year without the help of our Heavenly Father. He truly does love us. Remember, you can do anything with two people as long as one of them is God. He will lead you through your trials and be there at your happiest moments. He is the Almighty.

Love you forever,

Mom

Scarlet's Photos

2010-10-26T11:04:00.002-06:00

I think I'm in love with my child. She's so adorable in these photos. To see more, go here. My friend Tami did Scarlet's photos yesterday. Thank you Tami!!I had to have some done in a tutu because, well, tutus are cute. I also had her do some photos in the blessing dress, my blessing dress. I'm so excited Scarlet gets to wear the same dress I wore on my special blessing day. These shoes were custom made just for my tiny Scarlet. My friend, Carrie, is absolutely amazing at sewing and quilting. You should go see her at the Quilted Bear in Provo. You can even pick up a pair of these shoes for your little one!

73 minutes... 73 days

2010-10-22T14:20:00.003-06:00

I know that I have mentioned this to some of you before, but I am going to say it again. There was a day just a few weeks after our twins were born when Ryan and I had to go to the health department and get their birth certificates for our insurance. We also had to get Kingston's death certificate. Up until that point, I had been oddly okay with the way things were. I walked out of the health department with documents in hand and then I started reading. I held my son's death certificate and read ... Kingston Ryan Hone born August 11, 2010. Time of birth: 9:02 a.m. Time of death: 10:15 a.m. 73 minutes. At that moment, it was like a slap in the face. Yes, this is real. He's gone. That's when my eyes became so blurry with tears I could no longer read the paper I was holding. I wanted to fall to the sidewalk below me and sob. I knew he was gone, but seeing it on paper was hard. I didn't realize he had only been alive for 73 minutes. When he was here with us, it was almost as if time slowed down for just a moment. I remember it so well.

9:02 a.m.: "Ashley, take a look at your son." I did. I was scared. He was tiny.

9:04 a.m.: "Here's your daughter. You can see she is much bigger than her brother." She was.

Somewhere around 9:45 I was wheeled back into my room. I got to hold Kingston for the first time. Then Ryan held Kingston in his arms and gave him a blessing. It was beautiful. Ryan has a way with words.

They gave Kingston back to me and I could tell his breathing was slowing. I had to ask the nurse to come check him and see if he was still alive. Yes, he still had a heart beat, slow, but a heart beat no less. I remember the hurt. My heart was broken. I could do nothing to comfort Ryan. All we could do was hold our child and watch him pass away. Again, I asked the nurse to see if he was still alive. She listened and walked away. She went to get the neonatologist. He came in, put his little tiny stethoscope on Kingston's chest and with sadness in his eyes, he told us Kingston was gone. I lost it.

Now here we are, 73 days later. I cannot believe it has already been 73 days. Scarlet is thriving. She is a constant reminder to us that she is a gift from God. A gift we are so grateful for. She is also a reminder of the 73 minutes we got to spend with her brother... a gift from God. So, for those of you who are parents out there, hold your child just a little tighter today. Hold onto those precious minutes they are in your arms and thank God he has given you a wonderful gift.

A Dad and His Daughter

2010-10-18T20:23:00.002-06:00

Is this not the cutest picture ever? We had Ryan's sister, Stephanie, do some family photos the other day and she captured this precious moment. I love, love, love it. Ryan is always so cute with Scarlet. He is such an amazing father to her.

Crazy week....

2010-10-16T17:52:00.004-06:00

(Kristen, Sara, Tina, Saundra, Tess, Brittany, Ashley, Me)

This week has been SO busy for us. Monday, I had Halloween bunco! It was so much fun. I love getting together with these girls and laughing hysterically. We always have so much fun together. We all dressed up for Halloween, obviously. Love you girls!

Then, we FINALLY got to get rid of the dang oxygen tank that has been living in the hallway for the last month and a half. I can't say I miss that thing. Good-bye Mr. Oxygen.

Today has been full of fun. Scarlet got to get all dressed up in her Halloween costume for the annual Dunn Halloween party. We ended up getting her costume at Build-A-Bear. Fits like a charm. It was so fun for all the Dunn's to finally meet little Scarlet.

After the Halloween party, we went to Fork Fest. I have to say this is probably the coolest thing by far, that has come out of American Fork. It was an all day music festival and so much fun!! My brother, Josh, was playing in 3 of the bands so we decided to take Scarlet to see her uncle get his rock on. She loved it. I was worried about it being too loud for the baby so I grabbed her beany and took her socks off and ended up with this beauty. We were laughing so hard at her. At least I felt a little better knowing that her ears were protected from all the music. And this was just too cute. Scarlet and her Uncle Josh. He just loves her to death.

Cousin Isalena

2010-10-16T17:49:00.002-06:00

(Tina, Scarlet, Me, Isalena)

Baby Isalena is 2 weeks older than Scarlet. I was laughing so hard at the size difference. I wonder when Scarlet will catch up.... Hmm.. Isalena looked so beautiful for her blessing. I can't wait for these two to be best friends.

Dear Scarlet -- 2 months

2010-10-11T11:07:00.001-06:00

Dear Scarlet,

You never cease to amaze me. You have a way of stopping the world. People look at you and are in complete amazing that you are the way you are, so tiny, so beautiful, so healthy. You always make those who look at you smile. I hope you are always that way. You truly are amazing!

Do you miss him? Kingston? I miss him for you every single day. I wonder how you continue to thrive so well without him here. I thought you would struggle a little more than you did, but you are a fighter. I like to think at night, when it is most quiet, that that is when you talk to him. I hear you in your bed while you sleep and I swear I can hear you laugh and talk. It's probably just you grunting while trying to poop, but I like to think you are talking to our precious angel.

In the last month, you have rolled from your back to your tummy twice. In the same day. You haven't done it again, but I know you will one day. I'm in no rush for you to grow up. I love being your mom. Everyday is the best day of my life with you here. I have waited so long for you to be in my arms and it is more glorious than I ever could have imagined.

You now weigh 6 pounds 6 ounces! Way to go baby girl! You still wear preemie clothes at night, otherwise you drown in your jammies and I'm always worried they will swallow you up and I will never see you again. You have started sleeping 4 hour stretches at night and I am so grateful for that! Maybe a 5 hour stretch here and there won't be so bad, huh?

Tubby time is still your favorite part of the day. You get so relaxed and comfortable. There was only one instance when I pulled you out and wrapped you in the towel that you pooped all over the towel, down the front of me and all over the bathroom floor. It was probably your biggest poop to date. I'm pretty sure you just didn't want to get out of the bathtub and that was your way of getting back in. It worked. It was gross. Grandma Dunn was here to witness it and we still laugh about it.

I think your eyes will be blue like mine, not blue like daddy's. We'll see. Either way, you will have beautiful blue eyes.

You have you daddy wrapped around your finger like you can't believe. He is so in love with you. So in love! He always thinks you have the cutest outfit on (he thinks that everyday, so apparently he just thinks you are pretty cute).

Scarlet, I love you. Thank you for being mine. Happy 2 month birthday!

Loves,

Mom

p.s. If you happen to see Kingston, tell him "hi" for me and that I really miss him and love him.